Update

So it's been a while since I've posted...almost a week since I've been home. It's kind of a blur. I've been so tired my days are spent resting. Who would have thought a 3 varsity sport athlete, coach & official, mom of 2, would ever consider her morning shower her daily exercise worthy of a nap?? Yea, nap. Being unable to do much of anything in the hospital was hard, but being one is much worse bc of my personality. I got so frustrated I couldn't vacuum it brought me to tears. Ok, so the pain & lack of pain medicine probably played into that mini meltdown. And by lack of pain medicine I mean I stopped taking the good stuff & am on just Motrin. The pain is worse & withdrawal stinks. Apparently I have a very sensitive system (not shocking with my size) & since I've never had anything stronger than Motrin before, I get the pleasure of a mini-withdrawal after just one week on a narcotic. I've never had so much "energy" at 4am! (insomnia, restlessness & anxiety stink...) Too bad I can't get up & do anything with that energy... It does give me time to think & pray though.

I've been thinking about all the wonderful people around me, the support I've seen pour in from family, friends, churches, even my fellow volleyball officials. What a blessing each of you are to me & my family. My girls have never seen so many beautiful flowers! And they have enjoyed the variety of great food so graciously brought to us. Really, it's been amazing & a huge blessing. I deeply thank each of from the bottom of my heart. And I pray God blesses you bc of your kindness & thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow I meet with my surgeon for a one week check up. I have actually have missed his morning rounds of checking on me - although maybe not the part of being woken up after 1 hr of sleep with this towering figure over me in the dark ticking my nose. I said he was a funny guy. Best moment: after a night of "tummy upset" (I put that mildly) he dashes in & says "well don't you look like the picture of perfect health!". I think I'll give him hard time for not making my scar a perfectly straight line. I also meet with my doc - my internist now turned oncologist (I still don't like calling him that, but it is what it is). We get to discuss what exactly this word "treatment" is going to look like. I have NO CLUE, so I am walking in blind. Maybe that's the best bc I have to have complete faith about God holding this one.

A good friend said to me when we were discussing things that this whole concept of treatment & having those 3 lymph nodes pop up might be a blessing in disguise. Of course she said that after she said "don't hit me, but...". Don't worry, I didn't hit her - I couldn't get up fast enough =). But seriously, maybe it is. She said that if I had walked away from the hospital & that was that, I might not fully grasp & possibly forget the awesome power of our God. By allowing this trial, I am continuing to hold onto Christ in the storm. While the worst may be past, it's not a calm sea. I'm still scared of what treatment will be. I'm still nervous of how I will react to it (especially seeing how sensitive I seem to be). I still know I have a difficult road to walk. But. But. BUt I continue to deepen my relationship with my Creator. I continue to need Him oh so deeply in those moments of sheer terror or anxiety. And I continue to praise Him for each tiny victory!

I praise Him for my appetite coming back! I've been able to start enjoying the awesome food you all have blessed us with! I even had a java chip frappaccino! (decaf & soy, but it's a step, and to me a step worth some serious God praise!). I can praise the Lord that I get to hold my girls! I can sing His praises that I managed to get on the floor for a few minutes to play Thomas with Kayla. Glory to God for cuddling up with my baby girl Leah! So I'm holding onto His blessings as I get ready to meet with the doctors tomorrow about treatment. And praise Him that I already know I get to keep my hair! For those of you who don't know me, I'm rather attached to my hair...it's super curly & long - past my waist when straight. I even have enough to spare...and you know, I just might...

So my song tonight? It's where I'm at right now - in a valley. Honestly. I'm praising Him, but I'm in a valley of pain, sleeplessness, anxiousness about treatment, etc. But knowing that it is a valley I must go through to stand firm on Gods mountain. And I will stand. I will stand firm on His promises, on His mountain, when He brings me through this. And He's right here with me in this valley. Always has been. Always will be.

"Mountain of God" by Third Day 

Thought that I was all alone, broken and afraid

But You were there with me - Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know that I had lost my way

But You were there with me - Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes I never knew

That I couldn't ever make it without You

Even though the journey's long 

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who's gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I've been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley

To stand upon the mountain of God 

As I travel on the road that You have lead me down 

You are here with me - Yes, You are here with me

I have need for nothing more Oh, now that I have found

That You are here with me - Yes, You are here with me 

I confess from time to time I lose my way

But You are always there To bring me back again

Chorus

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from

And the things I've left behind

But of all I've had, what I possessed

Nothing can quite compare

With what's in front of me 

With what's in front of me

Chorus