Chemo.

Uh. I don't like that word... It has such a negative tingly feeling attached to it. And it's not a word I want used around Kayla. No 3 1/2yr old should have that word in their vocabulary, most especially when it's attached to her mother. So I call it treatment, or doctor visits, or special medicine. But no matter what I call it, it's still the same thing - a set of drugs I get to pump into my system. Ick. After meeting with my doctors yesterday we have a plan in place for this "treatment". I'm learning to let go of any expectations bc it's much harder to digest ideas when they are different than the idea you walked in with. I had this concept that I would be going to my doctors office for a few visits. Not so much. My doctors want to hit this hard - the regime is designed specifically for colon cancer after a resection that completely moved the tumor and is done to "increase" odds for "disease free living". I must say, I like that phrase - "disease FREE LIVING"!!! Ok, so that makes this process a bit easier. So what's the process?

Tomorrow I go back to the hospital for outpatient surgery to put a port under my skin. My doc wants to put me out instead of just local anesthesia bc he says I've been through enough & this won't cause me any pain this way. Fine by me. So I get a funky looking bump under my skin, below my collarbone for a while. They do this to save my veins. I will be receiving IV chemo through a 2 hr infusion once every 3 weeks (21 days) for 6 rounds at Montgomery Genereal Infusion Center. On top of that I will be taking a chemo pill (actually 6 pills of the same drug) every day for 14 days, then 7 off - again, a 21 day cycle for 6 rounds. So a bit more than I originally had in mind... But better than it could be. Since the cycles are every 3 weeks instead of every 4, I finish up much earlier than I thought. Looks like mid June instead of late August. It's taken me until now to process all that from my appointments yesterday, it was so overwhelming. Especially bc it all starts so soon - surgery for the port tomorrow, and my first treatment starts Tuesday morning. And then today I got smacked with yet another head spinner. My insurance has initially denied paying anything for my prescription...so I politely ask the pharmacist how much is it without the coverage...yea. $2000. Ok, that's pretty bad. But wait for it..... That is just for ONE CYCLE and I have 6 cycles. Um, I think that totals to $12,000. Oh boy. I've been relying on God for every minute of my physical existence - financial was not even in the picture. Did I mention I also just found out my insurance doesn't want to cover my PET scan I had to have? The $4500 PET scan. That's $16,500 so far. Yea, I don't have that lying around. I almost stole a bottle of Tylenol bc I was so dazed walking out of CVS, I forgot it was in my hand until I bumped it & heard it shake.

My mom told me to take it to the cross & leave it there. I said I keep leaving things there & then get tossed another! I guess Christ wants me to know this path to the cross really well...I interestingly received an invitation for an Easter production Church of the Redeemer performs every year for their Easter services. This whole thing brings a new poignancy to the journey to the cross for me. My Savior died on that cross, for me, knowing full well, before time, that I would be facing this challenge. He sacrificed His life for mine, which I fight for now. How much more important it makes that fight. If He is going to lay down His life for mine, I better fight hard for this life & use it for His glory. No chemo drug is too strong for My God. No side effect too harsh for Him to overcome and for me to fight through on His strength. And no fear too strong to surrender in exchange for His peace.

So please pray for continued strength to tell myself those things every day, especially treatment days. Pray surgery is quick & simple tomorrow. Pray I handle the treatment IV & pills well. Pray insurance changes their mind after they receive an urgent medical necessity letter from my doc. Pray God is glorified in His provisions for us financially - bc I believe He will provide! Praise Him for a plan to tackle this. Praise Him for good doctors. Praise Him for more opportunities to share His love with the super cool folks in IV therapy (I got to know them well).

So my song & my prayer: "Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsong United.
(But first, I have one question for you to ask yourself - have you been to the Cross lately, or at all? It's a tough walk there...but you won't find a safer place to be)

Savior I come 

Quiet my soul 

Remember 

Redemptions hill 

Where Your blood was spilled 

For my ransom 

Everything I once held dear 

I count it all as lost 

Lead me to the cross 

Where Your love poured out 

Bring me to my knees 

Lord I lay me down 

Rid me of myself 

I belong to You 

Lead me, 

Lead me to the cross 

You were as I 

Tempted and tried 

Human

The word became flesh 

Bore my sin and death 

Now You're risen 

Everything I once held dear 

I count it all as lost 

Chorus

To Your heart 

To Your heart 

Lead me to Your heart 

Lead me to Your heart