Oh for grace to trust

Of all the things I have asked for in this life, none have been more needed than my latest request: "Oh for grace to trust".  You see, this whole blog is being created bc my world has just been shaken like a little snow globe - hard, fast & dizzying.  Two days ago I walked into a doctor's office for another test to help identify the source of health issues I've been having the last 19 months.  Just another test I thought - one of many underwent during those months.  I walked in praying that I could finally have an answer.  God granted my request.  He answered my long standing prayer & I received my answer.  I, a 28 year old mother of 2, have colon cancer.  There is a large mass in my lower left colon that has been the source of all my pain, cramping, weight loss, fatigue, anemia, unexplained issues, etc... Pathology, a PET scan & blood tests confirm it is malignant.  My very first thought was "oh GOD, my girls... my girls..."  I have two daughters:  Kayla, who is 3 1/2 & Leah, who is 1 1/2. 

My two cuties!

There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for these two little girls.  And the idea that I could be taken away from them at such a young age, scared me more than the disease itself.  I have been through many trials in my life, but nothing can compare to that feeling.  And nothing has driven me harder & faster to my knees.  I cried out "God, WHY would you give me these amazing children only to take me from them & not allow me to raise them!?"  Which brings me to my biggest & latest request of God: "Oh for grace to TRUST".  I need His grace to TRUST that this is in HIS control.  That this shocking diagnosis was of no shock to Him - it is simply the next step in the path He laid out for me since the beginning of time.  Psalm 139:13-16 tells me that...

^"13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  

He knew this was coming.  And so I ask for His grace to trust Him to guide me through it.  And I will come THROUGH it.  I will raise my daughters.  I will grow old with my husband.  I will come out on the other side with a testimony of God's power, strength & gentleness.  

4th of July

 I have a LOT to say, and I will post my thoughts along the way... sometimes they will be my ramblings & jumbles of thoughts.  Sometimes they will be prayers.  A lot will probably be song lyrics God has pressed on my heart.  Some will just be brief updates from myself, or my dad, or my husband.  Some may be a simple prayer request or praise.  But all will speak about the mighty God that I serve.  All will shout of His wondrous glory.  For He is worthy of our praise, even in this storm.  He is still good.  He is still holy.  He is still God.  And I am still his child.  I am still a sinner saved by His grace.  And He still loves me enough that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on a cross & rise again for ME.  A God that loves me enough to do that, and a God that is powerful enough to do that, is a God that can & will love me & lead me through this.

So to update everyone on the last 3 days & where things stand logistically, I'll stick with bullets for now.

1. I have a malignant tumor is my lower left colon
2. It must be surgically removed via a colon resection
3. It is high enough that I will not need a bag (PRAISE GOD!)
4. The PET scan shows activity only in the area of the tumor (another praise! - see #9)
5. I was able to meet with a surgeon this afternoon & will confirm my day/time on Monday morning
6. My surgery will most likely be Tuesday or Wednesday next week
7. My surgeon is hopeful that it can be done laprscopically
8. I will be at Montgomery General Hospital in Olney, MD
9. I will be in the hospital 5-10 days
10. I will be 3-6 weeks to return to pre-surgery strength
11. Since the PET scan is clean, if biopsies come back clean from the lymph nosed taken out during surgery, I will not need chemo (praise & HUGE prayer request!)
12. If (and I'm including this "if" bc I choose to claim it in Jesus' name) I am cancer free for 5 years, I will be considered cured & have an almost 0% chance of it coming back.

Me & my hubby Jason

I will put up a Care Calendar for those of you wonderful people who have already offered to help.  With a lengthy hospital stay & long recovery, I know the rest of my family will be very blessed by any meals, since I'm the cook around here...(my folks are too, especially my mom, but I'm sure they'll be rather stretched as they bounce between me & helping with the girls)

So there ya have it.  My first post on my first ever blog.  I've always thought about starting a blog about my family/crafts/etc... I never in a MILLION  years thought I would ever start a blog bc I have cancer.  Do you know how hard that even is to type!?!?  I have cancer.  I. Have. Cancer.  Well, I may "have" cancer.  But I also HAVE the God of the universe on my side.  And like good ol' Veggie Tales says "God is bigger than the boogie man.  He's bigger than Godzilla, or the monsters on TV.  God is bigger than the boogie man, and He's watching out for you & me." 

My prayer requests:

1. Grace to TRUST
2. Strength on all fronts - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
3. Peace "that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7)
4. Sleep
5. For my surgeon, Dr. Arthur Woodward.  That God guides his hands & eyes to the right spot quickly & he is able to remove what he needs to completely through laproscopic means.  FYI:  I know beyond any doubt that God has led me to this surgeon.  Upon walking into his office, I was greeted with a Bible on the table, multiple pieces of art containing "The Master Physician" and him telling me he will be praying for me & (I quote) "we'll get to laying on of hands later".  And that I can call him or his secretary (who is his sister & believes as well) anytime, day or night, to talk.
6. For any & all nurses, doctors, techs, etc I see - that God would give them what they need to properly care for me & that God gives me the opportunities to share His love with them.
7. For my family - all of them.  My girls, my husband, my parents, etc... They need His strength just as much - maybe not physically...but I know how hard it would be for me to see Jason or one of my babies go through this...
8. Most important.  That God would be continually GLORIFIED during this entire journey.  I may never know or understand His will.  But I don't have to.  I just have to continue to praise Him & pray that He will be glorified in this & through this.

So I leave you with lyrics to the song on my heart today:   "Pouring It Out" from the Newsboys (on their new God's Not Dead CD)

O for grace to trust
O for strength to love
O to cast my cares down at your feet
O for feet to dance
O for a heart to romance
O for lungs to lift your name so high

My hands go up, giving you glory
I just can't get enough
You are so worthy, Lord
I'll keep pouring it out for you
My cup is overflowing
With your perfect love
You're all I'm longing for
I'll keep pouring it out for you

O for faith to rise
O my soul come alive
O my God You are all I need
O for feet to dance
O for a heart to romance
O for lungs to lift your name so high

My heart and flesh they cry out holy
Jesus be my one and only joy