The Hurt & the Healer

I was just going through all the cards you all have sent me & it's rather overwhelming, in a mighty way. I am humbled by the support, flowers, meals & prayers you all have blessed me with. From close family, to relatives I haven't seen in years, friends nearby & across the country, Sunday school members to small group ladies, fellow volleyball officials to even the coaches I officiate for. Wow. God has used each of you to touch my heart, so I thank you for being willing to be used, even if you didn't realize it. You have been His hands & His feet in service & faith. I cannot express that enough. It's been about a week since my last update. And an interesting week it's been. I've been busy doing a whole lot of nothing. Lots of resting bc I am SO tired. The week started out well at least - I was able to make it to church for service. So glad I did. I ran into folks from my Sunday school class (Family Matters - I miss you all!) and was so encouraged by those conversations. Thank you. Worship that day was poignant as well. It was so nice to just stand & worship & be in Gods presence. I will miss that tomorrow - I've got a head cold, so add that to chemo & it's best I stay home & away from crowds. =( And that brings me to the chemo.

I started treatment with my first infusion on Tuesday. Praise the Lord, it went very well! The Lord blessed me - the premedication did its job wonderfully & I did not have any tummy reactions to the actual chemo! I started my pills the next day & again, have been blessed by no tummy reactions. I am so grateful for that blessing (& for Zofran). Thank you for all the prayers around that issue - I HATE tummy issues, so that was my biggest fear. Yet agagin, God has come through. On a quick note back to His financial provisions, when I picked up my chemo prescription, my copay was $10 as mentioned. But the drug company is willing to pick up 80% of that! So I pay $2!!!! Wait, there's more - the actual cost is not $2000 per round. It's $2866! So God faithfully provided $2864 per round x 6 rounds = $17,184 in provisions from our Savior!!! Again, I'm blown away...

Speaking of blown away - I have had the pleasure of a head cold (had to find a transition there...) so it's been hard to tell if my fatigue is from continued surgery recovery, chemo, the cold, or some combination. There is one side effect I know for sure is from my infusion chemo: the nurse recommended I avoid ice in my drinks...yea, I didn't realize to what extent she meant. Upon leaving my infusion, I took a drink of cold water & it burnt almost. I took a drink of a large coke from McDs on the way home (my addiction - I LOVE me some fountain Coke!) and it felt like fireworks in my mouth & a pine cone down my throat. I now have an extreme sensitivity in touch & taste to anything colder than room temperature. So painful & so sad! I feel like I lost a best friend - mo more fountain cokes or iced trenta sweet black tea lemonades...*sigh*. I at least figured out I could order the iced tea without any ice & it's just bearable enough to enjoy. Lol! I actually try to focus & laugh about silly things like that.

Satan has been working overtime trying to discourage me. I will wake up at night & thoughts of cancer & all that comes with it, come flooding into my head. Thank you again, dear friend (you know who you are), for speaking truth at a MOPS meeting about taking those thoughts captive. By His strength, I take those thoughts captive, put them out of my mind & replace them with prayer. But it's not easy. Which is why I enjoy gong through all those cards you have sent. Verses you have written, song lyrics, even a CD sent my way, really help me focus where I need to focus - on Christ. My comfort, strength, peace & healer. Healer. He is my healer. The one & only healer. He heals my body, my spirit, heart & my mind. All have been battered pretty badly. All are in His hands. And all are being healed. Today I was in the car & a new song by Mercy Me came on. I love how God uses music to speak directly to me when there's a lot of noise distracting me sometimes. And sure enough, it's a prayer my heart prays without me being able to find the words. And more often than not, I'm not good with words & just pray for God to see my heart. This song is about as close to my heart as I can get. Thank you Mercy Me for being used to put words to my heart. And God, I know You are & will use this for Your glory. I know I will walk out of this with a much deeper relationship wih You. I know You will bring me through this to raise the daughters you blessed me with. But in pure honesty, I look towards the day when You say "it's over now" & allow me the sweet joy of simply living this life for You on ths earth, bc this battle is really hard...

So that's my song today: "The Hurt and The Healer" by Mercy Me (on a new CD to be released soon)

Why? The question that is never far away 

The healing doesn’t come from the explained 

Jesus please don’t let this go in vain 

You’re all I have All that remains 

So here I am 

What’s left of me 

Where glory meets my suffering 

I’m alive 

Even though a part of me has died 

You take my heart and breathe it back to life 

I’ve fallen into 

Your arms open wide 

When the hurt and the Healer collide 

Breathe 

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do 

Pain so deep that I can hardly move 

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You 

Lord take hold and pull me through 

So here I am 

What’s left of me 

Where glory meets my suffering

Chorus

It’s the moment when humanity 

Is overcome by majesty 

When grace is ushered in for good 

And all the scars are understood 

When mercy takes its rightful place 

And all these questions fade away 

When out of the weakness we must bow 

And hear You say “It’s over now” 

Chorus

Jesus come and break my fear 

Awake my heart and take my tears 

Find Your glory even here 

When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear 

Awake my heart and take my tears 

Find Your glory even here

Woa...

You know, I'm actually ashamed of myself. I should not be shocked at anything God does. And yet I sit here in tears bc I'm so taken back. So forgive me for any doubt Lord, You are always faithful & I shouldn't be shocked when you continue to provide time & time again. And You have shown Your awesome power to me today. You, Father, are above all. And You care about the tiniest details of our lives bc we are Your children. Thank you. I just got off the phone with my perscription insurance company. What normally takes a week to process took 24 hours (even the person on the phone was shocked). They received my doctors letter, re-processed the claim & will cover the medication - I only have a $10 co-pay per refill! That's $60 TOTAL! $60!!!!!!!!! From $12,000 to $60! What?!?!? Woa... Just woa. God just blew me away, again. Blessed be Your name!!! My song & my praise...

Blessed be Your name 

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow 

Blessed be Your name 

And blessed be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place 

Though I walk through the wilderness 

 Blessed be your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll Turn back to praise 

And when the darkness closes in, Lord 

Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your glorious name 

Blessed be Your name 

When the sun's shining down on me 

When the world's "all as it should be" 

Blessed be You name 

And blessed be Your name 

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name 

Chorus 

You give and take away 

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say:

Lord, blessed be Your name! 

I will bless Your name 

Chemo.

Uh. I don't like that word... It has such a negative tingly feeling attached to it. And it's not a word I want used around Kayla. No 3 1/2yr old should have that word in their vocabulary, most especially when it's attached to her mother. So I call it treatment, or doctor visits, or special medicine. But no matter what I call it, it's still the same thing - a set of drugs I get to pump into my system. Ick. After meeting with my doctors yesterday we have a plan in place for this "treatment". I'm learning to let go of any expectations bc it's much harder to digest ideas when they are different than the idea you walked in with. I had this concept that I would be going to my doctors office for a few visits. Not so much. My doctors want to hit this hard - the regime is designed specifically for colon cancer after a resection that completely moved the tumor and is done to "increase" odds for "disease free living". I must say, I like that phrase - "disease FREE LIVING"!!! Ok, so that makes this process a bit easier. So what's the process?

Tomorrow I go back to the hospital for outpatient surgery to put a port under my skin. My doc wants to put me out instead of just local anesthesia bc he says I've been through enough & this won't cause me any pain this way. Fine by me. So I get a funky looking bump under my skin, below my collarbone for a while. They do this to save my veins. I will be receiving IV chemo through a 2 hr infusion once every 3 weeks (21 days) for 6 rounds at Montgomery Genereal Infusion Center. On top of that I will be taking a chemo pill (actually 6 pills of the same drug) every day for 14 days, then 7 off - again, a 21 day cycle for 6 rounds. So a bit more than I originally had in mind... But better than it could be. Since the cycles are every 3 weeks instead of every 4, I finish up much earlier than I thought. Looks like mid June instead of late August. It's taken me until now to process all that from my appointments yesterday, it was so overwhelming. Especially bc it all starts so soon - surgery for the port tomorrow, and my first treatment starts Tuesday morning. And then today I got smacked with yet another head spinner. My insurance has initially denied paying anything for my prescription...so I politely ask the pharmacist how much is it without the coverage...yea. $2000. Ok, that's pretty bad. But wait for it..... That is just for ONE CYCLE and I have 6 cycles. Um, I think that totals to $12,000. Oh boy. I've been relying on God for every minute of my physical existence - financial was not even in the picture. Did I mention I also just found out my insurance doesn't want to cover my PET scan I had to have? The $4500 PET scan. That's $16,500 so far. Yea, I don't have that lying around. I almost stole a bottle of Tylenol bc I was so dazed walking out of CVS, I forgot it was in my hand until I bumped it & heard it shake.

My mom told me to take it to the cross & leave it there. I said I keep leaving things there & then get tossed another! I guess Christ wants me to know this path to the cross really well...I interestingly received an invitation for an Easter production Church of the Redeemer performs every year for their Easter services. This whole thing brings a new poignancy to the journey to the cross for me. My Savior died on that cross, for me, knowing full well, before time, that I would be facing this challenge. He sacrificed His life for mine, which I fight for now. How much more important it makes that fight. If He is going to lay down His life for mine, I better fight hard for this life & use it for His glory. No chemo drug is too strong for My God. No side effect too harsh for Him to overcome and for me to fight through on His strength. And no fear too strong to surrender in exchange for His peace.

So please pray for continued strength to tell myself those things every day, especially treatment days. Pray surgery is quick & simple tomorrow. Pray I handle the treatment IV & pills well. Pray insurance changes their mind after they receive an urgent medical necessity letter from my doc. Pray God is glorified in His provisions for us financially - bc I believe He will provide! Praise Him for a plan to tackle this. Praise Him for good doctors. Praise Him for more opportunities to share His love with the super cool folks in IV therapy (I got to know them well).

So my song & my prayer: "Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsong United.
(But first, I have one question for you to ask yourself - have you been to the Cross lately, or at all? It's a tough walk there...but you won't find a safer place to be)

Savior I come 

Quiet my soul 

Remember 

Redemptions hill 

Where Your blood was spilled 

For my ransom 

Everything I once held dear 

I count it all as lost 

Lead me to the cross 

Where Your love poured out 

Bring me to my knees 

Lord I lay me down 

Rid me of myself 

I belong to You 

Lead me, 

Lead me to the cross 

You were as I 

Tempted and tried 

Human

The word became flesh 

Bore my sin and death 

Now You're risen 

Everything I once held dear 

I count it all as lost 

Chorus

To Your heart 

To Your heart 

Lead me to Your heart 

Lead me to Your heart

Update

So it's been a while since I've posted...almost a week since I've been home. It's kind of a blur. I've been so tired my days are spent resting. Who would have thought a 3 varsity sport athlete, coach & official, mom of 2, would ever consider her morning shower her daily exercise worthy of a nap?? Yea, nap. Being unable to do much of anything in the hospital was hard, but being one is much worse bc of my personality. I got so frustrated I couldn't vacuum it brought me to tears. Ok, so the pain & lack of pain medicine probably played into that mini meltdown. And by lack of pain medicine I mean I stopped taking the good stuff & am on just Motrin. The pain is worse & withdrawal stinks. Apparently I have a very sensitive system (not shocking with my size) & since I've never had anything stronger than Motrin before, I get the pleasure of a mini-withdrawal after just one week on a narcotic. I've never had so much "energy" at 4am! (insomnia, restlessness & anxiety stink...) Too bad I can't get up & do anything with that energy... It does give me time to think & pray though.

I've been thinking about all the wonderful people around me, the support I've seen pour in from family, friends, churches, even my fellow volleyball officials. What a blessing each of you are to me & my family. My girls have never seen so many beautiful flowers! And they have enjoyed the variety of great food so graciously brought to us. Really, it's been amazing & a huge blessing. I deeply thank each of from the bottom of my heart. And I pray God blesses you bc of your kindness & thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow I meet with my surgeon for a one week check up. I have actually have missed his morning rounds of checking on me - although maybe not the part of being woken up after 1 hr of sleep with this towering figure over me in the dark ticking my nose. I said he was a funny guy. Best moment: after a night of "tummy upset" (I put that mildly) he dashes in & says "well don't you look like the picture of perfect health!". I think I'll give him hard time for not making my scar a perfectly straight line. I also meet with my doc - my internist now turned oncologist (I still don't like calling him that, but it is what it is). We get to discuss what exactly this word "treatment" is going to look like. I have NO CLUE, so I am walking in blind. Maybe that's the best bc I have to have complete faith about God holding this one.

A good friend said to me when we were discussing things that this whole concept of treatment & having those 3 lymph nodes pop up might be a blessing in disguise. Of course she said that after she said "don't hit me, but...". Don't worry, I didn't hit her - I couldn't get up fast enough =). But seriously, maybe it is. She said that if I had walked away from the hospital & that was that, I might not fully grasp & possibly forget the awesome power of our God. By allowing this trial, I am continuing to hold onto Christ in the storm. While the worst may be past, it's not a calm sea. I'm still scared of what treatment will be. I'm still nervous of how I will react to it (especially seeing how sensitive I seem to be). I still know I have a difficult road to walk. But. But. BUt I continue to deepen my relationship with my Creator. I continue to need Him oh so deeply in those moments of sheer terror or anxiety. And I continue to praise Him for each tiny victory!

I praise Him for my appetite coming back! I've been able to start enjoying the awesome food you all have blessed us with! I even had a java chip frappaccino! (decaf & soy, but it's a step, and to me a step worth some serious God praise!). I can praise the Lord that I get to hold my girls! I can sing His praises that I managed to get on the floor for a few minutes to play Thomas with Kayla. Glory to God for cuddling up with my baby girl Leah! So I'm holding onto His blessings as I get ready to meet with the doctors tomorrow about treatment. And praise Him that I already know I get to keep my hair! For those of you who don't know me, I'm rather attached to my hair...it's super curly & long - past my waist when straight. I even have enough to spare...and you know, I just might...

So my song tonight? It's where I'm at right now - in a valley. Honestly. I'm praising Him, but I'm in a valley of pain, sleeplessness, anxiousness about treatment, etc. But knowing that it is a valley I must go through to stand firm on Gods mountain. And I will stand. I will stand firm on His promises, on His mountain, when He brings me through this. And He's right here with me in this valley. Always has been. Always will be.

"Mountain of God" by Third Day 

Thought that I was all alone, broken and afraid

But You were there with me - Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know that I had lost my way

But You were there with me - Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes I never knew

That I couldn't ever make it without You

Even though the journey's long 

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who's gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I've been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley

To stand upon the mountain of God 

As I travel on the road that You have lead me down 

You are here with me - Yes, You are here with me

I have need for nothing more Oh, now that I have found

That You are here with me - Yes, You are here with me 

I confess from time to time I lose my way

But You are always there To bring me back again

Chorus

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from

And the things I've left behind

But of all I've had, what I possessed

Nothing can quite compare

With what's in front of me 

With what's in front of me

Chorus

Going Home!!!

The doc gave me the all clear to head home! Praise the Lord!!! I'll be heading out by 5:00 I think. I can't wait to be with my family! All I want to do is curl up on the sofas with my girls & a Veggie Tales movie. Thank you so much for all your prayers - they have sustained & encouraged me so much. Keep on praying - lots of work to go & lots of praising to be done. Amen!

Grace

"Miracle" by Shane & Shane (on "The One You Need" CD)  

Every week I hear a story of a miracle 

And if I'm honest I'm tired of seeing none at all 

I don't need to see a dead man come alive 

All I want is You to fill me up inside 

I need You Lord

Even more than the air I breathe 

I need You Lord

Right away 

I need You Lord

Every minute of every day 

I need You Lord

Right away 

Today I'm asking for a miracle

Anything you got God big or small 

I don't need to see the cancer go away 

All that I want is to know that it will be okay 

Chorus

I need You

I need You

II Corinthians 12:8-10 "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfection weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Paul was WAY more than I have ever claimed, or ever will claim to be. But his words ring true, as do the words of Christ - "MY grace is sufficient..." So when I came across the song above while I was listening to music today, it resounded in my heart like never before, despite it not being that new to me. And He gave it to me right when I needed it. The path reports finally came back. The details are rather, well, detailed, so I'll sum it up with this. 3 out of 27 lymph nodes have microscopic traces in them. ONLY 3!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! I will need some preventative treatment. I will not lose my hair. I WILL get through this & live many, many years. I will be made weak. HE will be made strong. I will say this again - I am not strong. My Savior is. And I am holding onto my Savior like I never have before. I am experiencing a taste of what praying without ceasing looks like. While that may not have been the answer I wanted, I can honestly say that yesterday's song "Jesus Never Let Me Down" is still true. Did he let me down with not perfectly clean results? No. Just like He's known about this all along, He knew what that report would be. And He will guide me through it. He will NEVER leave me. He will NEVER let me down. He will give me the grace & strength every step of the way, down to the very second. So I'm "not anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself." (Mat. 6:25-4).

I continue to thank you for all of your prayer and your support. Those that have sent flowers: my room is like a garden! It is a testimony not only to the beauty of God's creation, but also to the love of His children as they support a sister. The cards are displayed & are heartfelt. The meals have been a real blessing to my family.. I am jealous of all the wonderful food they have been eating! The emails have been read & saved - I'm sorry if I am unable to write you back personally just yet. All comments are saved & everything will be put together in a book of God's blessing to share with my girls YEARS down the road! Amen! You have spoke into my life & will speak into the lives of my daughters as they grow. Thank you.

And I ask for your continued prayers as I walk this road. Right now, pray my tummy continues to work well - slowly, but surely! Pray I get rest - nights can be tough even without any issues. Simply giving me medicine or checking on me, wakes me up. And my mom. She has been staying with me, so pray for rest for her as well. Pray for continued strength & progress so I can go HOME! Pray I show God's love to this wonderful group of nurses that have been so kind & loving to me. Thank you & love you all! ~Jen

Why nights...?

I had hoped to post yesterday, but was too tired... A little walk a few doors up the hall wore me out. It was a better day, but 1 step forward seems to mean 2 steps back. I had another awful night. So my lazy tummy decided even though it "woke up" it wanted to nap again. Ug. I was up all night bc if your tummy doesn't work, it prefers to not have food in it (and I had just started eating solids). That's about as detailed as necessary. Zofran is a new friend. As is dilaudid. I've never been much for meds, but I respect & appreciate their use when necessary. My other new friends are the nurses here. Wonderful people. I really pray I can somehow show them the love of God while they're the ones showing me love. I ask for two major requests right now from everyone: 1. The nauseau would STOP & my tummy start working sooner rather than later 2. My pathology report to be clean tomorrow. I also want to share this HUGE praise - while my doctor will not give me full results until the report is finished, he did say he spoke with the pathologist & he had washed & tested half of them. And those were all CLEAN!!! PRAISE OUR LORD!!! While there are still more to test and lot of prayer to be done, take a moment to worship our Savior for this glimmer of goodness! While it was 2 steps back in my human view, He's still with me & we're walking forward on His path. He's never let me down yet & I know He never will.

My song - "Jesus Never Let Me Down" by Trevor Morgan

There is peace in this world of war

There's hope in the wreckage of my grief

There's a love that cuts me to the core

And faith in the face of disbelief 

'Cause Jesus never let me down 

Jesus never let me down 

Oh, He would never leave me now 

'Cause Jesus never let me down 

I am scared, 

Oh I am petrified 

I think of what tomorrow has in store 

But there is grace to make it through the day 

And the strength to make it through a million more

Chorus

There's no place to hide

That He will not climb 

And no hell too low to hide me 

He won't turn away 

From one he saved 

His promises remind me 

That Jesus never let me down 

Jesus never let me down 

Oh, He would never leave me now 

No, He'll never let me down 

Oh, Jesus never let me down 

No, He'll never let me down

Bad Night...

I am clinging to "pain may last for the night but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5b It was a very rough night with no sleep & lots of pain.  My body is "waking up" in small chunks & it's tough.  I'm now on dilaudid for pain due to organs emerging from their slumber. (good stuff & much less dizzy than morpine).  So I am asking for a prayer boost to get through the day.  Praise: the organs are waking up & working!  So it's painful, but a good thing.  "Joy comes in the morning!". I could use that.  I could really use that.  But even though I don't feel much joy right now, I still blast my worship mix in the room & hold to the promises of Christ in those songs -  He always gives me the exact thing I need to hear when I need to hear it.   Thank you for the prayers.  Keep 'em coming!

"Stay Strong" by the Newsboys 

You're in the moment now 

A bitter root, a wandering eye and then 

The ties that bind start wearing thin, thin 

You're in the moment now 

When all you've been blessed with is not enough 

Here's where the ground gets loose 

Here's where the devils call your bluff 

Stay strong, you are not lost 

Come on and fix your eyes ahead 

There's a new dawn to light our day, our day 

You've gotta stay strong, you and I run

For the prize that lies ahead 

We've come too far to lose our way, our way 

We've seen the tragic flaws 

The tortured souls, the saints with feet of clay 

Here's where sin becomes cliche' 

We've come through wilderness and watched 

The cloud by day, the burning sky into dawn 

Have you forgotten who you are? 

Did you forget whose trip you're on? 

Chorus

Get up, there's further to go 

Get up, there's more to be done 

Get up, this witness is sure 

Get up, this race can be won 

This race can be won 

We've gotta stay strong, you are not lost 

Come on and fix your eyes ahead 

Our Father's dawn will light our day, our day 

Come on and stay strong, His grip is sure 

And His patience still endures 

There'll be no letting go today, no way 

Come on, and stay strong, you and I run

For the prize that lies ahead 

We've come too far to lose our way, our way 

Psalm 9:1-2

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all Your wonderful deeds. I will be glad & exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High."

Hello all!  Its's Jen again!  I am able to finally tell of His wondrous deeds.  Today I have been able to sit up in bed & actually get out of bed by myself, if only momentarily.   Praise the LORD!  I am off oxygen & a few other contraptions/wires as well!  Its much easier to try & move without all those cords.  So I first praise Him for that!  Secondly, I praise Him that I am off the morphine completely!  It took all day, but tonight i am only on 650 Tylenol (the pain is higher, but better than dizzy, dopey & low bp!).  Praise Him for some sleep last night too!  Fourth praise:  I got to have clear liquids today!  A sip of apple juice has never tasted so good!  Ice chips have been all I was allowed since surgery...and I only had clear liquids all day Monday.  So we are on a good path back to real food!  A slow path, but a slow path that is covered in His glory!!!

  

Now to update you on everything as best I can.  My surgeon was wonderful, he still is.  God send!  He explained that while he initially started laproscopicly, the way my body is & the way the tumor was did not allow him to continue laproscopicly - he had to turn it into a "classic" incision. (doctor speak for big - lol!)  So the pain greater & recovery longer, but he got everything he needed to!!!  Did you know your body will function completely normal with only half of your large intestine?!?  God is so neat.  And he took out my appendix as well, simply bc I "don't need it" & "why bother having appendicitis down the road when I can take it while I'm in there?" Another praise as far as I'm concerned.  And praise God that he basically played with all my other organs & they all look good!  Its kinda weird to think about, but oh well!  Glad they look good!

As for the pain issue that was posted... there was a slight complication post-op.  I've always had blood pressure on the lower side.  At 9 months pregnant my "high" BP was only 120/80. Normally it's only 110/70 at its highest, 100/60 lowest.   My BP coming out of surgery dipped to 80/50ish.  They couldn't give me enough of the pain meds I needed bc of the super low BP.  So I was in recovery a while & have very foggy, painful memories of it.  You know the dream where you scream & can't be heard?  I was as close to that as I think you can be...I'm being graphically honest here.  It was scary.  My family says once in my room, I was still REALLY out of it & in pain.    Its all very very fuzzy...but i am just glad to make it through that 1st night & am much better now.  My morning exercise is to sit up & put my make up on.  Never thought that would be my only task before needing a nap... I've made it up 6 times today & actually sat in a chair!  Tomorrow I tackle walking outside my room.  Yup.  That's how basic things are right now & how blessed I feel to even be in a chair.

So often we take for granted the simple gifts God gives us everyday. They aren't miracles by any means - nothing supernatural about walking down the stairs or fixing (and eating!) a bowl of cereal.  But it is a gift.  A very precious gift of life Yahweh gives us each day.  He gives us the simple abilities to live.  And we don't, or can't really, appreciate those little things until each little thing becomes a mountain to overcome & eventually a victory. He teaches us how to rely on Him for EVERYTHING in circumstances like this.  Who asks his Creator for the strength to get out of bed & walk 3 feet to the bathroom, or collapses back in bed, praising Him that He got you there AND BACK?!?  God is good.  And He is faithful. He cares about us so much that He listens to those bedside prayers.  

Growing up, I've seen Philippians 4:13 used every which way & sideways too.  It has almost become a fill in the blank verse for whenever someone needs a new car, job or has a huge test.  I see it differently.  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." says to me that I can sit up in bed bc HE gives me strength.  I can walk across the room bc HE gives me strength to do it.  I can sit in this chair for an hour bc HE gives me the strength.  And His strength is all I need.  Every day.  Every hour.  Every minute.  And now I can more fully understand the previous verse, which so many people either forget, or choose, to leave out: Philippians 4:12 "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and EVERY circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty & hunger, abundance & need."  And that secret is the strength of Christ 

So my heart song today?  An interesting one...bc I have been literally been "torn up" & "put together".  Amen.

"Your Love" by Shane & Shane  (from "The One You Need")

I'm overcoming fear
With Your perfect love, Your perfect love
You're opening my ears to hear
The sound of a lover's voice
You're calling out, You're calling out
Let me see Your face, Your loving face

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Oooo

I'm overcoming fear
With Your perfect love, Your perfect love
You're opening my ears to hear
The sound of a lover's voice
You're calling out, You're calling out
Let me see Your face, Your loving face

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure
Love

Your love

YOUR love