Christmas already!?!

Leah with her ice cream

It's December 1st.  Seriously!?  I thought it was August yesterday!!!  Geeze... I guess that's what race car drivers feel like "I just took off & I'm done already!" bc that's what I've felt like - like I went from 0-300mph over night.  Such a nice summer...spending time with my girls, my husband, my family, doing yard work, playground, trampoline, etc.  And then it all started.  Within a 2 week time frame I went from nothing to preschool 3x/week, volleyball officiating 2-5x/wk, small group Bible study 1x/wk, Awana 1x/wk (and I'm working in Kayla's class), MOPS 2x/month (wasn't gonna be able to, but God opened up a door at a new MOPS), and who knows what else I can't remember at midnight...!  Yea, it's been crazy busy.  Frustratingly, yet happily busy.  Frustrating bc I enjoy just chillin out with my girls - having picnics in the living room or on the deck, camp outs under the blankets, icea cream trips, making silly crafts & watching movies in our pajamas at 1pm.  But happily bc I CAN do all those things!  I physically CAN run errands, take care of my kids, fix dinner, ref volleyball, serve at MOPS & Awana.  As I mentioned in my last post, my chemo ended back in June.  PRAISE THE LORD!  And a lot of the side effects have finally started wearing off - my energy is up, not so sensitive to cold anymore, I can kinda feel my feet again, my stomach pain is few & far between (gotta watch what I eat - no fast food for me!) AND two days ago I got word from my doc that my latest blood work all came back NORMAL!  Like, NORMAL!  He called to tell me!!!  He never calls if there's not much to say, so that gave me a mild heart attack when it rang... but I have not had a normal blood work up in 2 1/2 years.  Not since I gave birth to Leah in June 2010.  Wow.  My red counts are normal, white counts are back up, iron up, tumor markers low, liver, kidneys, everything NORMAL!  OH!  AND I am up to 135lbs!!!  (ok..what woman shares her weight...!?!  Um, a woman who only weighed 110lbs when she had her surgery 10 months ago.  Did I mention I'm 5'11"?  Yea, 110 WAS tiny!!!  135 is still too small, but I'm working on it...thank you Chipotle!)

Kayla going to Preschool

So back to the news: What a HUGE blessing that was to hear!  See, I enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving & was getting excited for Christmas, but felt like something was still hanging over me.  Like a thief, lurking in the shadows, just waiting.  He may never attack, but he is a their non the less, a thief for stealing my joy.  I was praying about it before my appointment bc I knew i was allowing Satan to win - he doesn't have to take me out physically to take me out.  If he can cloud me with fear & anxiety, he can take me out spiritually & emotionally, no matter what my physical health.  So I was praying for God to give me strength to submit this all to Him, trust in His love & that "perfect love casts out fear."  (I John 4:18).

At Brookside Gardens

So that call was God really making it clear to me that He is in control of this & I must trust Him.  I could live every day for the next 80 years scared of this cancer returning.  And what a waste of this precious life that would be.  So I committed to my Lord to live this life as a blessing to Him & to others.  To my family.  To my husband.  To my children.  I was to enjoy every bit I can with them.  And if Christ can be so gracious as to give me my physical strength back as He has, I will use it to serve others.

This all sounds so wonderful & snugly, right?  It's not.  On paper it's great.  In real life it's TOUGH!  I get tired, frustrated, angry, worn out, impatient, short tempered, and about every other antithesis of a Proverbs 31 woman you can think up.  I want to strangle my husband some days.  Lock my kids in their rooms others.  Go hide under the covers when they both are on the same day.  Scream at the person who hit my rear bumper & then said it was my fault (seriously, how is that even possible?! my rear bumper swung out & hit your front headlight? really!?).  Throw my whistle at the head of the coach who's screaming about a rule he has no clue about.  Yup.  I'm human.  Never would have guessed it, right?  Well I am.  So let me pause & switch gears...go back to what I said once bc it came up again:  for all you folks who have called me a hypocrite, fake, liar, put on, whatever else evil about me you spewed out... I DON'T CARE!  Bc I know who I am.  I know my weaknesses, my sins, my struggles.  And I KNOW who I am IN CHRIST.  IN HIM I AM A NEW CREATION!  And THROUGH HIM He gives me the grace, patience, strength, wisdom, & whatever else I need to not throw that whistle, scream at rude people, strangle my husband or send my kids to boarding school.  He reminds me that I AM FORGIVEN.  He reminds me that HE LOVES ME - He loves this broken sinner & has made me whole again!  He speaks to me through His Word, through His people (pastors, friends, mentors), through songs, etc.  He convicts me of my wrong & I submit to HIM & ask for forgiveness.  I do not need your approval.  I do not need your acceptance.  I do not need you to like me, want to get to know me, want to spend time with me, want to know my children, NOTHING.  In fact, I want nothing to do with you bc until you change, you are not someone I want to be around or have my children around.  BUT I do pray for you.  Matthew 5:43-44 "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."   I pray for you bc you claim that you serve the same God I do, but you do not know what Ephesian 4:17-32 means, especially verse 29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  And I pray that you are open enough for the Holy Spirit to prick your stone cold, hateful heart.  I pray that you come to actually know the Savior I serve.  That you know what true love & forgiveness is.  Bc until you know the love of CHRIST, the forgiveness He offers, the sacrifice He has made for you....until you really know Him & accept Him (not just say you have bc you go to or went to church) then you can not begin to understand what real love & forgiveness is.  You are blind to it.  And you will attack it, which is what you have done.  You have attacked my faith, character, my testimony.  And you have judged me.  Matthew 7:1-6 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."  My words are strong.  I take an attack on my very soul a bit seriously.  However, I am not angry towards you.  I am saddened that your heart is so broken & hardened that you must attack others actually growing in their faith, to feel better.  I am saddened that you can not focus on Christ & His love for you & then share that love with others.  And pray your eyes are one day opened from the veil Satan has covered you in.  And I am sad that when someone is struggling physically/spiritually/emotionally that your first thought is to attack them.  I have never claimed to be perfect.  I never will.  I claim to be FORGIVEN.  So for others out there who are either "veteran" Christian, growing in their faith, or brand new believers - I pray you find your identity in the Savior that you serve.  I pray you shut out the hateful judgements of others (mature, wise correction is different - don't misread me, that's what mentors, Bible study leaders & pastors are for).  Only you & our Lord truly know your heart - and He even better than you.  And those who judge you, who put you down, who attack you, who call you fake, and who might even say that you are "using God as a crutch" or that "you're making it up" - let those words fall away into the depths of the ocean, along with the sins HE has forgiven you for!!!  Michah 7:19 "You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."  AMEN.  And so my point isn't lost, if you ever come to know the depths of love & forgiveness Christ offers us, and you ask me for true forgiveness, you have it.  Someone asked me once how I can forgive someone for causing me so much pain.  It's simple - how can I not?  Christ forgave me. 

So moving on.  It's CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!  And what a blessing it is to share this season with my family!  MY GIRLS!!!  I really get to start teaching Kayla about the meaning of Christmas this year.  She's 4 1/2 now, so she really is starting to get it!  I just started an Advent calendar today for her.  She was mainly interested in the chocolate, but she did enjoy hearing how it works & reading a Bible verse every day.  I'm not sure everything I'll do this year along the way, but I'm sure God will

Third Day!!!

Leah at Disney on Ice

inspire me.  The MOPS cookie exchange I went to today also helped kick-start the Christmas mood.  And I just threw a TON of Christmas songs onto my iPhone.  So maybe I will share one of those with you today.  Let me come back to that as I listen to it play on random.  I have so many songs close to my heart... AH yes, which reminds me of the concerts (and such) I have been privileged to attend recently!  Disney on Ice was a great time with the girls!  Cinderella at the Olney theater was so sweet to share with Kayla & my dad (he used to take me to all that when I was little, so it was super special to now go with him & Kayla).

Princess Kayla at Cinderella

Third Day was with Mercy Me in August & that was powerful, humbling, blessed worship!!!  I broke down on "The Hurt & The Healer" bc it is still so true for me.  I also got to see Newsboys with a wonderful friend.  Girl, I am so sad we lost touch for so long, but SO BLESSED to reconnect!  Thank you for your prayers - you are a warrior!  And a wonderful inspiration!  Your love for Christ is infectious & your smile radiant!  We had an AMAZING time worshiping GOD together!  GOD'S NOT DEAD - HE'S SURELY ALIVE!  Yea - I think I'll share that song.  The title track from the Newsboys newest worship CD - "God's Not Dead".  As we start the month of December, remember why we bother with Christmas at all - we celebrate the birth & LIFE of our God!  Jesus Christ!  And He is STILL ALIVE!

Newsboys (3rd ROW!!!)

GOD'S NOT DEAD (Like A Lion)
Let love explode and bring the dead to life 
A love so bold to see a revolution somehow  
Let love explode and bring the dead to life 
A love so bold to bring a revolution somehow  
Now I'm lost in Your freedom
And this world I'll overcome
  
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
My God's not dead, He's surely alive! 

Michael Tait of the Newsboys

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
  
Roaring -  He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!

Let hope arise and make the darkness hide 
My faith is dead I need resurrection somehow 
Now I'm lost in Your freedom  
And this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead, He's surely alive!  

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
My God's not dead, He's surely alive! 

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion

Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!
He's Roaring!  He's roaring!

Awesome night of worship!

Let heaven roar and fire fall  
Come shake the ground with the sound of revival
Let heaven roar and fire fall  
Come shake the ground with the sound of revival 
Let heaven roar and fire fall  
Come shake the ground with the sound of revival!!!
 
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
God's not dead, He's surely alive! 

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
God's not dead, He's surely alive! 

He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
GOD'S NOT DEAD, HE'S SURELY ALIVE!
HE'S LIVING ON THE INSIDE, ROARING LIKE A LION!

 He's Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!
 He's Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!

And to that I say AMEN & good night!

~Jen

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Overdue Update!!!

2 months.  Yea, I've been a bit negligent in updating this blog... my deepest apologies for that.  But you see, it's a good thing - I haven't updated bc I've been busy, with life.  Just plain old life.  Taking care of the girls, cleaning, laundry, cooking, preschool, etc.  The boring old daily rituals.  And as tiring as it can be, it's been oddly fabulous.  I do miss the time I had to read & write on my blog.  Geeze, I think this is the first time I;ve sat at my computer in almost 2 month!  I do everything on my phone or iPad (birthday gift, yay!) real quick.  I must admit, I did get in some fabulous books that were eye opening & encouraging.  My list of "to read" is still too long though!  Next on the list: "Hinds Feet on High Places" - thanks to the recommendation of Kayla's preschool teacher.

SO since it's been so long since I've posted, I'll try to bullet point all the "happenings" for ya:

- 4 Treatments DONE!  Today I took my last day of pills for the 4th round of chemo.  That's 4 infusions & 4 two week rounds of pills down!  Only 2 more infusions & 2 more two weeks of pills left!!!  So 7 weeks from today, Lord willing everything stays on track, I will be DONE.  D.O.N.E. with chemo!  I know I have lots of tests, scans, imaging, etc...over the next few years.  But again, Lord willing, I will be DONE with chemo!  And the next few years will bring more & more reasons to praise my God for the blessings He continues to pour over me!

- Side effects.  Stinky, but bearable.  The insane sensitivity to cold is still insane after every infusion.  It lasts about a week & then starts to fade somewhat.  2 or so weeks after an infusion, I can actually touch something from the refrigerator & the pain doesn't set in for a minute or two.  And I can actually drink "cool" drinks, like maybe even a few ice cubes in my iced tea!  This is all right about the time I'm due for another infusion, so the pleasure of a somewhat cool drink is short lived.  My skin is getting more & more dry though... stupid pills.  I ordered a TON of this fabulous hand cream though!  Don't laugh.  It was at the suggestion of my nurses.  And it WORKS!  It's called Udderly Smooth.  Yup - you guessed it - it was originally created for cows udders.  You can stop laughing now, really.  Hey, I don't care who or what it was made for originally - as long as it helps my skin not feel like I've been rubbing sandpaper, I'm cool with it!  My mom also bought me a paraffin bath.  What a fabulous thing that is!  It is a nightly ritual for me now.  LOVE it!  Especially the week after my treatment when the slightest bit of cold causes immense pain & muscle spasms, the warm wax on my hands is 15-20 minutes of BLISS!  From the pills, I have light brown spots popping up on my hands (palms!), feet & nose even.  I've always had a lot of freckles, but these are new!  Not sure if they are permanent or not.. oh well!  At least they blend in with the rest!  I do get extremely tired 3-4 days after the infusion.  Like sleep 12 hours AND need a long nap kind of tired.  I get a steroid as one of my premeds, so that gives me a super high for 2-3 days (multiple cups of coffee type high) & I barely sleep.  So when that fades, I CRASH!  A few days of that, and I start to get my normal energy back again.  All of these are really annoying.  BUT I haven't been sick - I've been eating like a mad woman actually!  Up 12 pounds since Feb 27th!!!  Woohoo! 20ish more is my goal!  Who has a weight GAIN goal of 20 lbs?  ME!  That's who!  =)  And I LOVE FOOD!!!  I am officially a foodie.  Can't help it.  Food is wonderful.  And to top it off (really bad pun intended) I still have my hair!!!!!!!!!  Wow.  Just wow.  I am SO blessed!  I am so thankful.  So thankful... Mandisa has a song called "These Days" that is just so true for me.

I never liked Mondays, or bad news, or breakin' in new shoes, and mornings when I can't find my phone
Nobody likes traffic, or short nights, or situps or long flights, but sometimes that's just the way it goes
It's funny what You use to help me grow

So I'll learn to love these days, life along the way
In the middle of the crazy, God your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs, You're the only hope I've found

Lord you meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days
I'll learn to love these days

I can see a silver lining When the sun's not shinin, even when You choose to bring the rain
Oh, but there's freedom believin, and trustin Your leadin'
'Cause You're Lord of all my joy and all my painSo I'll learn to love these days, life along the way
In the middle of the crazy, God your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs, You're the only hope I've found

Lord you meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days
I'll learn to love these days

I could waste the hundred years You gave me here,

The days when You were near, the days when I was out there lookin for what comes next
Oh, cause every minute, every hour, everyday is such a gift and I'm content

I'm thankful for each breath!

So I'll learn to love these days, life along the way
In the middle of the crazy Your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs You're the only hope I've found

Lord you meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days
I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days

- A weekend to remember.  No, I'm not talking about the marriage conference.  I'm talking about a special weekend I will forever remember.  March 16-18.  It started with the 50th Anniversary Worship Night at church.  What a powerful & encouraging night!  The following night I was blessed to have enough energy to hit up the Third Day concert (2nd row!!!).  I was expecting to cry.  A lot.  And I didn't.  What I thought might be two nights of deeply moving worship, were actually powerfully encouraging.  Then there was a special vision service at church on Sunday.  Over those 3 days God really impressed on me one message over & over.  It wasn't the "I'm here for you through this horrible thing" emotion.  It was "I am doing a great & mighty work in you & through you.  You will get through this.  Be strong bc of MY strength."  Something my pastor (Lon Solomon) said in a video montage shown over the anniversary weekend stuck out as the over arching theme:  "What is God doing in you life that only HE can do, so that when He does it, He gets all the glory?"  That was impressed on my heart over those 3 days in so many ways.  The worship songs chosen, the set list for Third Day (that was oddly not their most popular or most common songs to perform, but rather off the main path & very poignant for me), the message from Lon...so much.  And that message of strength & encouragement continued to be poured over me during the Easter weekend, when I saw "The Thorn" at Church of the Redeemer, Easter services at church, and a very special day...

- April 15th.  As I picked up Kayla from Sunday School, someone from my Family Matter class stopped to catch up.  Our conversation was interrupted by Kayla announcing to me "I have Jesus in my heart!"  What WHAT!?!  So I stepped aside & talked to Kayla about it.  Sure enough, she was proud as a peacock to tell me she had asked Jesus to come live in her heart & be her "forever friend" in Sunday School!  A moment I have been praying for since I knew I was pregnant with her.  Before I ever knew if she was a boy or girl (we chose to wait until she was born) I prayed for her to one day accept Christ & grow in the Lord!  That day came & I am still so proud of her!  Now I pray for her to continue to grow in Christ as she grows up... and I pray the same for Leah every night.  Every night...

- Then that night I was blessed again with front row seats to see Mandisa with Anita Renfroe (funny girl!) and Laura Story.  So glad a friend of mine from MOPS was able to join me!  What a night of blessing, prayer, rejoicing, dancing (yes, Mandisa made us dance & I actually had enough energy to do it!), crying, rejoicing, etc... It was "Girls Night Out" so the place was packed with hundreds of women, worshiping God together!  So many of her songs have touched my heart these last few months.  So many... "Waiting For Tomorrow" is so perfect, and I mean "Stronger" is like my own personal theme song!  Who needs the theme to Rocky when I've got "Stronger"!?   Again, the Lord just impressed on me that He is going to make me stronger when I get THROUGH this!

My little Pinkalicious!

- Back to Kayla:  she just turned 4 this week, on May 6!  Um, when did that happen!?  Wasn't she just tucked away in my big belly!?  Now she's having a Pinkalicious cupcake party with her friends from preschool!  (Pinkalicious is so cute btw, look her up)  I mean, she actually looks a little bit like Pinkalicious... I just can't believe she's 4!!!  So to be able to have a party for her, be there, enjoy it, celebrate it, eat cupcakes with her, not be sick, not feel tired, not be in pain....it was all just so wonderfully normal.  I forgot what normal was for so long there, having had cramps, pain & so much sickness before surgery... To celebrate her birthday was a true blessing.  And i get to celebrate Leah's 2nd birthday June 2nd!!!  A special birthday that will be - you see, it was right after she was born that I started getting really sick.  So now 2 years later, to feel "normal" again is almost too amazing to think about...

- My birthday.  March 27.  Remember that whole 3/27 thing with the lymph nodes.  Yea, hard to forget that when it's YOUR BIRTHDAY!  So needless to say that every birthday will be a HUGE celebration for so many, many reasons... How old am I?  Most women avoid that answer.  But every year I am here to celebrate another year, I will proudly boast my age!!!  This year, I celebrated the big 29.  So no, I not celebrating "29" but actually 29.  And I will be very humbled & excited next year to celebrate 30!  I pray I am so fortunate as to celebrate 80 & then some like my super awesome Pop-Pop!

- There's been so much more, I could go on... something that has touched me though is recently finding out someone I have been praying for almost 2 years has accepted Christ.  And now I am able to celebrate this person as a brother/sister in Christ!!!  The angels rejoice when one is added to the Kingdom.  And seeing 2 people (my sweet Kayla!) and this person come to know Him this month has been truly a blessing to witness.  I pray for them both bc the narrow path is not always an easy one to walk.  In fact, it's harder most of the time.  But it is one that leads to life everlasting!  And one that He is with you on every step of the way.  (You know who you are & if you are reading this, this song is for you: "Say Goodbye" by Mandisa.  Remember you are a new creation!)

 "I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:9-10

 

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” 

Romans 8:1-2

So that's the short (long here, but actually the short version) of everything that's been going on around here...You know there's always more than I can fit in a blog.  But that's my heart - take it for what it is.  No it's not absolutely everything.  But for those who say "she's a hypocrite" or "what a fake" bc they think they know something else I may not share here, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that judging me is so important to you.  I'm sorry that you have chosen to focus on what you think you know rather than rejoice in His blessings & possibly see what God is doing in your own life through your own blessings & struggles.  My struggles are just that - mine.  I've only chosen to open up here about this cancer bc I think God is really doing something amazing in my life through it.  I believe He is working on a much bigger picture I may never see.  I believe He will speak through me in ways I can't fathom.  I believe if I allow Him to use me, He will.  I believe I will come THROUGH this a different person with a different focus.  I believe God is working on my heart to make me a better woman, a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better Christian - who knows, maybe even a better volleyball official or better scrapbooker or bow maker or who knows what!?  ONLY CHRIST DOES!  I will screw up along the way - it's part of that whole being human thing.  And that's the neat part of Christ's whole forgiveness thing.  He knows my heart.  And He loves me.  He loves me more than I can ever begin to grasp.  (Insert Mandisa's "How Much" lyrics here)  And for the first time in my entire life, I only care what HE thinks about it or me.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF ME!  Phfew - that felt good!  I will live my life the best way I can, with His strength & guidance.  If you want to judge me for it, go right ahead.  But I'll leave you with these lyrics that touched me today thinking about my friend & my daughter accepting Christ - they get to claim this now, praise the Lord. 

Mandisa: "Not Guilty"

I stand accused, there's a list a mile long
Of all my sins, of everything that I've done wrong
I'm so ashamed, there's nowhere left for me to hide
This is the day, I must answer for my life
My fate is in the Judge's hands,
But then He turns to me and says
 

I know you, I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict, not guilty

How can it be, I cannot begin to comprehend
What kind of Grace would take the place for all my sins?
I stand in awe, now that I have been set free
And the tears well up, as I look at that Cross
'Cause it should've been me
My fate was in the nail scarred hands,
He stretched them out for me and said...

I know you, I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict, not guilty

I'm falling on my knees to thank You
With everything I am, I praise You
So grateful for the words I heard you say

I know you, I love you
I gave My life...

I know you, I love you
I gave My life, just to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict is, not guilty
Love paid the price, for Mercy My verdict, not guilty ... NOT GUILTY

Short update

This will have to be really short...chemo today went very well! Another round with no tummy upset! But the neuropathy has kicked in stronger & faster, so I am having spasms in my thumbs & hands. I'm attempting to type this with my middle finger on my phone bc my thumbs won't work right.. Oi. So it's a short but HUGE praise things went well & request the annoying neuropathy & insane sensitivity to cold & other weird things (like my tears burn like fire, flavor makes my mouth painfully tingle at first, sneezing, etc) fade quickly. I'll update more about the wonderful little blessings I've had the last week when my thumbs work properly again (c'mon acupuncture!). =) God Bless!!! And thank you for the continued prayers. 2 infusions down, 4 to go.

This Jesus guy

Hillsong United:  "The Stand"

You stood before creation  -  Eternity in your hand

You spoke the earth into motion  -  My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure  -  And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders  -  My soul now to stand

So what could I say?  -  And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation  -  Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise  -  My soul now to stand

So what could I say?  -  And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

This song has been running through my head for a while - the last part specifically.  I see the picture I chose to put on the blog when I hear it.  "With arms high & heart abandoned"  I crave that lately.  I actually crave the feeling of just standing there with my arms high, singing praises to my God.  Nothing feels more natural or peaceful.  So I'm learning that I can "be" in that place without actually being there - I don't need to stand there all the time (my arms aren't that strong anyways).  I can be in that state of worship no matter what I'm doing.  "Jen, that makes no sense..." you say.  Hear me out - it does bc it's about the heart, not the arms.  I am learning how my heart can be in that state of abandoned worship while playing with my girls, riding in the car, reading, grocery shopping, etc.   And it excites me to keep diving deeper into my relationship with Christ.

About this Christ I keep talking about... I want to take a moment to tell you about Him.  Jesus Christ is my Lord & Savior.  I have said with my mouth & believed in my heart this:  that He is the one & only Son of God.  He was born of a virgin.  He lived a perfect, sin free life.  He was betrayed.  He was tortured.  He was brutally killed on a cross.  He took all of my past, present & future sins (and yours) onto Himself on that cross.  By His death, He paid the price for those sins.  He was buried in a tomb & rose again in 3 days.  He ascended into Heaven.  And He loves us.  He loves me.  HE LOVES YOU.  He loved you so much that He gave His very life that you can live with Him forever in eternity.  This gift of eternal life is a FREE GIFT He is eager to give you.  All you have to do to receive that gift is "...declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9)  That's IT!  All you have to do is accept that gift & believe!  You don't have to accumulate a bunch of good works, hoping it's enough to outweigh the bad.  You don't have to pray certain prayers, attend a certain church, do certain rituals, look a certain way, etc.  What do you have to do?  I'm going to paste a paragraph from my church's (McLean Bible Church) "What We Teach" bc honestly, I can't word it better. 

HOW MAY I BECOME A CHRISTIAN?
Receiving Christ as your Lord and Savior is the most important decision you or anyone will ever make.

TO RECEIVE CHRIST:
• You must acknowledge yourself to be a helpless sinner in God’s sight and in need of a Savior (Romans 3:23, 5:12).
• You must believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to be the very Savior you have just admitted needing (Romans 5:8; I Corinthians 15:3; I Peter 2:24a) and rose from the dead (Romans 10:9; I Corinthians 15:4), having accomplished the defeat of sin.
• You must personally repent of your sins (Luke 5:32; 13:3) and confess Jesus Christ as Lord over your life (Romans 10:9-10), believing that as God He can and will forgive your sins (Acts 10:43) and grant you eternal life (I John 5:11, 13).

A few other verses for you:  

Romans 10:13  "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

John 14:6  "Jesus answered, 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'"

Acts 16:30-31  "He then brought them out and asked, 'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?'  They replied, 'Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.'"

This has been on my heart to share with you.  I know many of you have taken that step in faith & are my brothers & sisters in Christ.  I'm sure there are some of you who practice some type of "religion" and say "hey, I respect you for yours, respect me for mine".  I do respect your beliefs, BUT I ask you to look at the "religion" you practice & see if it is based on a personal relationship with Christ.  Have you ever actually said to God that you're sorry & asked Him to forgive you for all of your sins & to take Lordship over your life?  Have you asked Jesus Christ into your heart?  Do you know FOR SURE, WITHOUT DOUBT that if you die today you will spend eternity with Christ bc you have accepted Him as your Savior???  And to my friends that don't know God at all, or don't even believe there is a God:  I challenge you to honestly ask God to show Himself to you.  Just be open to it.  I guarantee you that if you are open to it & ask Him to show Himself, HE WILL.  Even if you don't believe He exists, I still challenge you to say "God, IF You are real like this crazy chic says You are, then SHOW ME".  If you mean that, HE WILL.  

"Oh boy.  Jen lost it.  The chemo has gotten to her...she's going crazy, and frankly, kinda making me mad telling me this dude Jesus is the only way to Heaven."  I'm sure some of you are thinking that.  I'm sure some of you are feeling defensive, angry, annoyed, apathetic, etc... and thinking I just took my nice little blog about my cancer & went all churchy.  So why in the world am I talking about this, risking the possibility of losing friends!?  Bc there is NOTHING in this world more important to me than to share the amazing good news of Jesus Christ!  Bc I LOVE each of you SO MUCH that I want you all to have that gift of salvation!  Bc I care about you so much that I do NOT want you to leave this earth & spend eternity in Hell.  Yes, Hell.  That's the flip side to this coin.  It is the justified punishment we each deserve for our sins.  But through the saving grace of our very own Creator, He PAID OUR DEBT so we don't have to spend eternity with "weeping & gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 13:40-41).  I want each of you to experience the amazing joy & peace you can only receive from God.  (Philippians 4:7).  I want you to have a relationship with the Creator of the universe!  I want you to fill that hole in your spirit that can only be filled with Christ.  ONLY He can truly satisfy you.  ONLY He can heal your wounds.  ONLY He can give you the love you need.  ONLY He can give you the strength to face the struggles of this life.  Trust me on that - any strength you see when you see me or read my posts is ALL from God! 

I'm not perfect, by far...oh please, I'm so far.  I'm no saint.  And again, I'm not some amazingly strong person.  I'm just a simple sinner, saved by grace through faith.   And I hope you take the time to re-read this post if you have not accepted Christ as your Savior.  Think about it.  Ask God to show himself to you.  Ask me or someone else that knows God questions if you have them.  Check out some info McLean Bible has online if you like:  

Becoming a Fully Devoted Follower of Christ:  http://www.mcleanbible.org/uploads/FullyDevotedBooklet.pdf

What We Teach:  http://www.mcleanbible.org/uploads/WhatWeTeach.pdf

About my pastor, Lon Solomon (listen to his story, please):  http://www.mcleanbible.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=81281

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I thank you for your continued prayers.  I pray the Lord returns the blessings you have poured over me. 

The Hurt & the Healer

I was just going through all the cards you all have sent me & it's rather overwhelming, in a mighty way. I am humbled by the support, flowers, meals & prayers you all have blessed me with. From close family, to relatives I haven't seen in years, friends nearby & across the country, Sunday school members to small group ladies, fellow volleyball officials to even the coaches I officiate for. Wow. God has used each of you to touch my heart, so I thank you for being willing to be used, even if you didn't realize it. You have been His hands & His feet in service & faith. I cannot express that enough. It's been about a week since my last update. And an interesting week it's been. I've been busy doing a whole lot of nothing. Lots of resting bc I am SO tired. The week started out well at least - I was able to make it to church for service. So glad I did. I ran into folks from my Sunday school class (Family Matters - I miss you all!) and was so encouraged by those conversations. Thank you. Worship that day was poignant as well. It was so nice to just stand & worship & be in Gods presence. I will miss that tomorrow - I've got a head cold, so add that to chemo & it's best I stay home & away from crowds. =( And that brings me to the chemo.

I started treatment with my first infusion on Tuesday. Praise the Lord, it went very well! The Lord blessed me - the premedication did its job wonderfully & I did not have any tummy reactions to the actual chemo! I started my pills the next day & again, have been blessed by no tummy reactions. I am so grateful for that blessing (& for Zofran). Thank you for all the prayers around that issue - I HATE tummy issues, so that was my biggest fear. Yet agagin, God has come through. On a quick note back to His financial provisions, when I picked up my chemo prescription, my copay was $10 as mentioned. But the drug company is willing to pick up 80% of that! So I pay $2!!!! Wait, there's more - the actual cost is not $2000 per round. It's $2866! So God faithfully provided $2864 per round x 6 rounds = $17,184 in provisions from our Savior!!! Again, I'm blown away...

Speaking of blown away - I have had the pleasure of a head cold (had to find a transition there...) so it's been hard to tell if my fatigue is from continued surgery recovery, chemo, the cold, or some combination. There is one side effect I know for sure is from my infusion chemo: the nurse recommended I avoid ice in my drinks...yea, I didn't realize to what extent she meant. Upon leaving my infusion, I took a drink of cold water & it burnt almost. I took a drink of a large coke from McDs on the way home (my addiction - I LOVE me some fountain Coke!) and it felt like fireworks in my mouth & a pine cone down my throat. I now have an extreme sensitivity in touch & taste to anything colder than room temperature. So painful & so sad! I feel like I lost a best friend - mo more fountain cokes or iced trenta sweet black tea lemonades...*sigh*. I at least figured out I could order the iced tea without any ice & it's just bearable enough to enjoy. Lol! I actually try to focus & laugh about silly things like that.

Satan has been working overtime trying to discourage me. I will wake up at night & thoughts of cancer & all that comes with it, come flooding into my head. Thank you again, dear friend (you know who you are), for speaking truth at a MOPS meeting about taking those thoughts captive. By His strength, I take those thoughts captive, put them out of my mind & replace them with prayer. But it's not easy. Which is why I enjoy gong through all those cards you have sent. Verses you have written, song lyrics, even a CD sent my way, really help me focus where I need to focus - on Christ. My comfort, strength, peace & healer. Healer. He is my healer. The one & only healer. He heals my body, my spirit, heart & my mind. All have been battered pretty badly. All are in His hands. And all are being healed. Today I was in the car & a new song by Mercy Me came on. I love how God uses music to speak directly to me when there's a lot of noise distracting me sometimes. And sure enough, it's a prayer my heart prays without me being able to find the words. And more often than not, I'm not good with words & just pray for God to see my heart. This song is about as close to my heart as I can get. Thank you Mercy Me for being used to put words to my heart. And God, I know You are & will use this for Your glory. I know I will walk out of this with a much deeper relationship wih You. I know You will bring me through this to raise the daughters you blessed me with. But in pure honesty, I look towards the day when You say "it's over now" & allow me the sweet joy of simply living this life for You on ths earth, bc this battle is really hard...

So that's my song today: "The Hurt and The Healer" by Mercy Me (on a new CD to be released soon)

Why? The question that is never far away 

The healing doesn’t come from the explained 

Jesus please don’t let this go in vain 

You’re all I have All that remains 

So here I am 

What’s left of me 

Where glory meets my suffering 

I’m alive 

Even though a part of me has died 

You take my heart and breathe it back to life 

I’ve fallen into 

Your arms open wide 

When the hurt and the Healer collide 

Breathe 

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do 

Pain so deep that I can hardly move 

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You 

Lord take hold and pull me through 

So here I am 

What’s left of me 

Where glory meets my suffering

Chorus

It’s the moment when humanity 

Is overcome by majesty 

When grace is ushered in for good 

And all the scars are understood 

When mercy takes its rightful place 

And all these questions fade away 

When out of the weakness we must bow 

And hear You say “It’s over now” 

Chorus

Jesus come and break my fear 

Awake my heart and take my tears 

Find Your glory even here 

When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear 

Awake my heart and take my tears 

Find Your glory even here

Woa...

You know, I'm actually ashamed of myself. I should not be shocked at anything God does. And yet I sit here in tears bc I'm so taken back. So forgive me for any doubt Lord, You are always faithful & I shouldn't be shocked when you continue to provide time & time again. And You have shown Your awesome power to me today. You, Father, are above all. And You care about the tiniest details of our lives bc we are Your children. Thank you. I just got off the phone with my perscription insurance company. What normally takes a week to process took 24 hours (even the person on the phone was shocked). They received my doctors letter, re-processed the claim & will cover the medication - I only have a $10 co-pay per refill! That's $60 TOTAL! $60!!!!!!!!! From $12,000 to $60! What?!?!? Woa... Just woa. God just blew me away, again. Blessed be Your name!!! My song & my praise...

Blessed be Your name 

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow 

Blessed be Your name 

And blessed be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place 

Though I walk through the wilderness 

 Blessed be your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll Turn back to praise 

And when the darkness closes in, Lord 

Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your glorious name 

Blessed be Your name 

When the sun's shining down on me 

When the world's "all as it should be" 

Blessed be You name 

And blessed be Your name 

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name 

Chorus 

You give and take away 

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say:

Lord, blessed be Your name! 

I will bless Your name 

Chemo.

Uh. I don't like that word... It has such a negative tingly feeling attached to it. And it's not a word I want used around Kayla. No 3 1/2yr old should have that word in their vocabulary, most especially when it's attached to her mother. So I call it treatment, or doctor visits, or special medicine. But no matter what I call it, it's still the same thing - a set of drugs I get to pump into my system. Ick. After meeting with my doctors yesterday we have a plan in place for this "treatment". I'm learning to let go of any expectations bc it's much harder to digest ideas when they are different than the idea you walked in with. I had this concept that I would be going to my doctors office for a few visits. Not so much. My doctors want to hit this hard - the regime is designed specifically for colon cancer after a resection that completely moved the tumor and is done to "increase" odds for "disease free living". I must say, I like that phrase - "disease FREE LIVING"!!! Ok, so that makes this process a bit easier. So what's the process?

Tomorrow I go back to the hospital for outpatient surgery to put a port under my skin. My doc wants to put me out instead of just local anesthesia bc he says I've been through enough & this won't cause me any pain this way. Fine by me. So I get a funky looking bump under my skin, below my collarbone for a while. They do this to save my veins. I will be receiving IV chemo through a 2 hr infusion once every 3 weeks (21 days) for 6 rounds at Montgomery Genereal Infusion Center. On top of that I will be taking a chemo pill (actually 6 pills of the same drug) every day for 14 days, then 7 off - again, a 21 day cycle for 6 rounds. So a bit more than I originally had in mind... But better than it could be. Since the cycles are every 3 weeks instead of every 4, I finish up much earlier than I thought. Looks like mid June instead of late August. It's taken me until now to process all that from my appointments yesterday, it was so overwhelming. Especially bc it all starts so soon - surgery for the port tomorrow, and my first treatment starts Tuesday morning. And then today I got smacked with yet another head spinner. My insurance has initially denied paying anything for my prescription...so I politely ask the pharmacist how much is it without the coverage...yea. $2000. Ok, that's pretty bad. But wait for it..... That is just for ONE CYCLE and I have 6 cycles. Um, I think that totals to $12,000. Oh boy. I've been relying on God for every minute of my physical existence - financial was not even in the picture. Did I mention I also just found out my insurance doesn't want to cover my PET scan I had to have? The $4500 PET scan. That's $16,500 so far. Yea, I don't have that lying around. I almost stole a bottle of Tylenol bc I was so dazed walking out of CVS, I forgot it was in my hand until I bumped it & heard it shake.

My mom told me to take it to the cross & leave it there. I said I keep leaving things there & then get tossed another! I guess Christ wants me to know this path to the cross really well...I interestingly received an invitation for an Easter production Church of the Redeemer performs every year for their Easter services. This whole thing brings a new poignancy to the journey to the cross for me. My Savior died on that cross, for me, knowing full well, before time, that I would be facing this challenge. He sacrificed His life for mine, which I fight for now. How much more important it makes that fight. If He is going to lay down His life for mine, I better fight hard for this life & use it for His glory. No chemo drug is too strong for My God. No side effect too harsh for Him to overcome and for me to fight through on His strength. And no fear too strong to surrender in exchange for His peace.

So please pray for continued strength to tell myself those things every day, especially treatment days. Pray surgery is quick & simple tomorrow. Pray I handle the treatment IV & pills well. Pray insurance changes their mind after they receive an urgent medical necessity letter from my doc. Pray God is glorified in His provisions for us financially - bc I believe He will provide! Praise Him for a plan to tackle this. Praise Him for good doctors. Praise Him for more opportunities to share His love with the super cool folks in IV therapy (I got to know them well).

So my song & my prayer: "Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsong United.
(But first, I have one question for you to ask yourself - have you been to the Cross lately, or at all? It's a tough walk there...but you won't find a safer place to be)

Savior I come 

Quiet my soul 

Remember 

Redemptions hill 

Where Your blood was spilled 

For my ransom 

Everything I once held dear 

I count it all as lost 

Lead me to the cross 

Where Your love poured out 

Bring me to my knees 

Lord I lay me down 

Rid me of myself 

I belong to You 

Lead me, 

Lead me to the cross 

You were as I 

Tempted and tried 

Human

The word became flesh 

Bore my sin and death 

Now You're risen 

Everything I once held dear 

I count it all as lost 

Chorus

To Your heart 

To Your heart 

Lead me to Your heart 

Lead me to Your heart

Update

So it's been a while since I've posted...almost a week since I've been home. It's kind of a blur. I've been so tired my days are spent resting. Who would have thought a 3 varsity sport athlete, coach & official, mom of 2, would ever consider her morning shower her daily exercise worthy of a nap?? Yea, nap. Being unable to do much of anything in the hospital was hard, but being one is much worse bc of my personality. I got so frustrated I couldn't vacuum it brought me to tears. Ok, so the pain & lack of pain medicine probably played into that mini meltdown. And by lack of pain medicine I mean I stopped taking the good stuff & am on just Motrin. The pain is worse & withdrawal stinks. Apparently I have a very sensitive system (not shocking with my size) & since I've never had anything stronger than Motrin before, I get the pleasure of a mini-withdrawal after just one week on a narcotic. I've never had so much "energy" at 4am! (insomnia, restlessness & anxiety stink...) Too bad I can't get up & do anything with that energy... It does give me time to think & pray though.

I've been thinking about all the wonderful people around me, the support I've seen pour in from family, friends, churches, even my fellow volleyball officials. What a blessing each of you are to me & my family. My girls have never seen so many beautiful flowers! And they have enjoyed the variety of great food so graciously brought to us. Really, it's been amazing & a huge blessing. I deeply thank each of from the bottom of my heart. And I pray God blesses you bc of your kindness & thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow I meet with my surgeon for a one week check up. I have actually have missed his morning rounds of checking on me - although maybe not the part of being woken up after 1 hr of sleep with this towering figure over me in the dark ticking my nose. I said he was a funny guy. Best moment: after a night of "tummy upset" (I put that mildly) he dashes in & says "well don't you look like the picture of perfect health!". I think I'll give him hard time for not making my scar a perfectly straight line. I also meet with my doc - my internist now turned oncologist (I still don't like calling him that, but it is what it is). We get to discuss what exactly this word "treatment" is going to look like. I have NO CLUE, so I am walking in blind. Maybe that's the best bc I have to have complete faith about God holding this one.

A good friend said to me when we were discussing things that this whole concept of treatment & having those 3 lymph nodes pop up might be a blessing in disguise. Of course she said that after she said "don't hit me, but...". Don't worry, I didn't hit her - I couldn't get up fast enough =). But seriously, maybe it is. She said that if I had walked away from the hospital & that was that, I might not fully grasp & possibly forget the awesome power of our God. By allowing this trial, I am continuing to hold onto Christ in the storm. While the worst may be past, it's not a calm sea. I'm still scared of what treatment will be. I'm still nervous of how I will react to it (especially seeing how sensitive I seem to be). I still know I have a difficult road to walk. But. But. BUt I continue to deepen my relationship with my Creator. I continue to need Him oh so deeply in those moments of sheer terror or anxiety. And I continue to praise Him for each tiny victory!

I praise Him for my appetite coming back! I've been able to start enjoying the awesome food you all have blessed us with! I even had a java chip frappaccino! (decaf & soy, but it's a step, and to me a step worth some serious God praise!). I can praise the Lord that I get to hold my girls! I can sing His praises that I managed to get on the floor for a few minutes to play Thomas with Kayla. Glory to God for cuddling up with my baby girl Leah! So I'm holding onto His blessings as I get ready to meet with the doctors tomorrow about treatment. And praise Him that I already know I get to keep my hair! For those of you who don't know me, I'm rather attached to my hair...it's super curly & long - past my waist when straight. I even have enough to spare...and you know, I just might...

So my song tonight? It's where I'm at right now - in a valley. Honestly. I'm praising Him, but I'm in a valley of pain, sleeplessness, anxiousness about treatment, etc. But knowing that it is a valley I must go through to stand firm on Gods mountain. And I will stand. I will stand firm on His promises, on His mountain, when He brings me through this. And He's right here with me in this valley. Always has been. Always will be.

"Mountain of God" by Third Day 

Thought that I was all alone, broken and afraid

But You were there with me - Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know that I had lost my way

But You were there with me - Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes I never knew

That I couldn't ever make it without You

Even though the journey's long 

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who's gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I've been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley

To stand upon the mountain of God 

As I travel on the road that You have lead me down 

You are here with me - Yes, You are here with me

I have need for nothing more Oh, now that I have found

That You are here with me - Yes, You are here with me 

I confess from time to time I lose my way

But You are always there To bring me back again

Chorus

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from

And the things I've left behind

But of all I've had, what I possessed

Nothing can quite compare

With what's in front of me 

With what's in front of me

Chorus

Going Home!!!

The doc gave me the all clear to head home! Praise the Lord!!! I'll be heading out by 5:00 I think. I can't wait to be with my family! All I want to do is curl up on the sofas with my girls & a Veggie Tales movie. Thank you so much for all your prayers - they have sustained & encouraged me so much. Keep on praying - lots of work to go & lots of praising to be done. Amen!

Grace

"Miracle" by Shane & Shane (on "The One You Need" CD)  

Every week I hear a story of a miracle 

And if I'm honest I'm tired of seeing none at all 

I don't need to see a dead man come alive 

All I want is You to fill me up inside 

I need You Lord

Even more than the air I breathe 

I need You Lord

Right away 

I need You Lord

Every minute of every day 

I need You Lord

Right away 

Today I'm asking for a miracle

Anything you got God big or small 

I don't need to see the cancer go away 

All that I want is to know that it will be okay 

Chorus

I need You

I need You

II Corinthians 12:8-10 "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfection weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Paul was WAY more than I have ever claimed, or ever will claim to be. But his words ring true, as do the words of Christ - "MY grace is sufficient..." So when I came across the song above while I was listening to music today, it resounded in my heart like never before, despite it not being that new to me. And He gave it to me right when I needed it. The path reports finally came back. The details are rather, well, detailed, so I'll sum it up with this. 3 out of 27 lymph nodes have microscopic traces in them. ONLY 3!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! I will need some preventative treatment. I will not lose my hair. I WILL get through this & live many, many years. I will be made weak. HE will be made strong. I will say this again - I am not strong. My Savior is. And I am holding onto my Savior like I never have before. I am experiencing a taste of what praying without ceasing looks like. While that may not have been the answer I wanted, I can honestly say that yesterday's song "Jesus Never Let Me Down" is still true. Did he let me down with not perfectly clean results? No. Just like He's known about this all along, He knew what that report would be. And He will guide me through it. He will NEVER leave me. He will NEVER let me down. He will give me the grace & strength every step of the way, down to the very second. So I'm "not anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself." (Mat. 6:25-4).

I continue to thank you for all of your prayer and your support. Those that have sent flowers: my room is like a garden! It is a testimony not only to the beauty of God's creation, but also to the love of His children as they support a sister. The cards are displayed & are heartfelt. The meals have been a real blessing to my family.. I am jealous of all the wonderful food they have been eating! The emails have been read & saved - I'm sorry if I am unable to write you back personally just yet. All comments are saved & everything will be put together in a book of God's blessing to share with my girls YEARS down the road! Amen! You have spoke into my life & will speak into the lives of my daughters as they grow. Thank you.

And I ask for your continued prayers as I walk this road. Right now, pray my tummy continues to work well - slowly, but surely! Pray I get rest - nights can be tough even without any issues. Simply giving me medicine or checking on me, wakes me up. And my mom. She has been staying with me, so pray for rest for her as well. Pray for continued strength & progress so I can go HOME! Pray I show God's love to this wonderful group of nurses that have been so kind & loving to me. Thank you & love you all! ~Jen