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| Leah with her ice cream |
It's December 1st. Seriously!? I thought it was August yesterday!!! Geeze... I guess that's what race car drivers feel like "I just took off & I'm done already!" bc that's what I've felt like - like I went from 0-300mph over night. Such a nice summer...spending time with my girls, my husband, my family, doing yard work, playground, trampoline, etc. And then it all started. Within a 2 week time frame I went from nothing to preschool 3x/week, volleyball officiating 2-5x/wk, small group Bible study 1x/wk, Awana 1x/wk (and I'm working in Kayla's class), MOPS 2x/month (wasn't gonna be able to, but God opened up a door at a new MOPS), and who knows what else I can't remember at midnight...! Yea, it's been crazy busy. Frustratingly, yet happily busy. Frustrating bc I enjoy just chillin out with my girls - having picnics in the living room or on the deck, camp outs under the blankets, icea cream trips, making silly crafts & watching movies in our pajamas at 1pm. But happily bc I CAN do all those things! I physically CAN run errands, take care of my kids, fix dinner, ref volleyball, serve at MOPS & Awana. As I mentioned in my last post, my chemo ended back in June. PRAISE THE LORD! And a lot of the side effects have finally started wearing off - my energy is up, not so sensitive to cold anymore, I can kinda feel my feet again, my stomach pain is few & far between (gotta watch what I eat - no fast food for me!) AND two days ago I got word from my doc that my latest blood work all came back NORMAL! Like, NORMAL! He called to tell me!!! He never calls if there's not much to say, so that gave me a mild heart attack when it rang... but I have not had a normal blood work up in 2 1/2 years. Not since I gave birth to Leah in June 2010. Wow. My red counts are normal, white counts are back up, iron up, tumor markers low, liver, kidneys, everything NORMAL! OH! AND I am up to 135lbs!!! (ok..what woman shares her weight...!?! Um, a woman who only weighed 110lbs when she had her surgery 10 months ago. Did I mention I'm 5'11"? Yea, 110 WAS tiny!!! 135 is still too small, but I'm working on it...thank you Chipotle!)
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| Kayla going to Preschool |
So back to the news: What a HUGE blessing that was to hear! See, I enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving & was getting excited for Christmas, but felt like something was still hanging over me. Like a thief, lurking in the shadows, just waiting. He may never attack, but he is a their non the less, a thief for stealing my joy. I was praying about it before my appointment bc I knew i was allowing Satan to win - he doesn't have to take me out physically to take me out. If he can cloud me with fear & anxiety, he can take me out spiritually & emotionally, no matter what my physical health. So I was praying for God to give me strength to submit this all to Him, trust in His love & that "perfect love casts out fear." (I John 4:18).
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| At Brookside Gardens |
This all sounds so wonderful & snugly, right? It's not. On paper it's great. In real life it's TOUGH! I get tired, frustrated, angry, worn out, impatient, short tempered, and about every other antithesis of a Proverbs 31 woman you can think up. I want to strangle my husband some days. Lock my kids in their rooms others. Go hide under the covers when they both are on the same day. Scream at the person who hit my rear bumper & then said it was my fault (seriously, how is that even possible?! my rear bumper swung out & hit your front headlight? really!?). Throw my whistle at the head of the coach who's screaming about a rule he has no clue about. Yup. I'm human. Never would have guessed it, right? Well I am. So let me pause & switch gears...go back to what I said once bc it came up again: for all you folks who have called me a hypocrite, fake, liar, put on, whatever else evil about me you spewed out... I DON'T CARE! Bc I know who I am. I know my weaknesses, my sins, my struggles. And I KNOW who I am IN CHRIST. IN HIM I AM A NEW CREATION! And THROUGH HIM He gives me the grace, patience, strength, wisdom, & whatever else I need to not throw that whistle, scream at rude people, strangle my husband or send my kids to boarding school. He reminds me that I AM FORGIVEN. He reminds me that HE LOVES ME - He loves this broken sinner & has made me whole again! He speaks to me through His Word, through His people (pastors, friends, mentors), through songs, etc. He convicts me of my wrong & I submit to HIM & ask for forgiveness. I do not need your approval. I do not need your acceptance. I do not need you to like me, want to get to know me, want to spend time with me, want to know my children, NOTHING. In fact, I want nothing to do with you bc until you change, you are not someone I want to be around or have my children around. BUT I do pray for you. Matthew 5:43-44 "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." I pray for you bc you claim that you serve the same God I do, but you do not know what Ephesian 4:17-32 means, especially verse 29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." And I pray that you are open enough for the Holy Spirit to prick your stone cold, hateful heart. I pray that you come to actually know the Savior I serve. That you know what true love & forgiveness is. Bc until you know the love of CHRIST, the forgiveness He offers, the sacrifice He has made for you....until you really know Him & accept Him (not just say you have bc you go to or went to church) then you can not begin to understand what real love & forgiveness is. You are blind to it. And you will attack it, which is what you have done. You have attacked my faith, character, my testimony. And you have judged me. Matthew 7:1-6 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You
hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will
see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." My words are strong. I take an attack on my very soul a bit seriously. However, I am not angry towards you. I am saddened that your heart is so broken & hardened that you must attack others actually growing in their faith, to feel better. I am saddened that you can not focus on Christ & His love for you & then share that love with others. And pray your eyes are one day opened from the veil Satan has covered you in. And I am sad that when someone is struggling physically/spiritually/emotionally that your first thought is to attack them. I have never claimed to be perfect. I never will. I claim to be FORGIVEN. So for others out there who are either "veteran" Christian, growing in their faith, or brand new believers - I pray you find your identity in the Savior that you serve. I pray you shut out the hateful judgements of others (mature, wise correction is different - don't misread me, that's what mentors, Bible study leaders & pastors are for). Only you & our Lord truly know your heart - and He even better than you. And those who judge you, who put you down, who attack you, who call you fake, and who might even say that you are "using God as a crutch" or that "you're making it up" - let those words fall away into the depths of the ocean, along with the sins HE has forgiven you for!!! Michah 7:19 "You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." AMEN. And so my point isn't lost, if you ever come to know the depths of love & forgiveness Christ offers us, and you ask me for true forgiveness, you have it. Someone asked me once how I can forgive someone for causing me so much pain. It's simple - how can I not? Christ forgave me.
So moving on. It's CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!! And what a blessing it is to share this season with my family! MY GIRLS!!! I really get to start teaching Kayla about the meaning of Christmas this year. She's 4 1/2 now, so she really is starting to get it! I just started an Advent calendar today for her. She was mainly interested in the chocolate, but she did enjoy hearing how it works & reading a Bible verse every day. I'm not sure everything I'll do this year along the way, but I'm sure God will
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| Third Day!!! |
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| Leah at Disney on Ice |
inspire me. The MOPS cookie exchange I went to today also helped kick-start the Christmas mood. And I just threw a TON of Christmas songs onto my iPhone. So maybe I will share one of those with you today. Let me come back to that as I listen to it play on random. I have so many songs close to my heart... AH yes, which reminds me of the concerts (and such) I have been privileged to attend recently! Disney on Ice was a great time with the girls! Cinderella at the Olney theater was so sweet to share with Kayla & my dad (he used to take me to all that when I was little, so it was super special to now go with him & Kayla).
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| Princess Kayla at Cinderella |
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| Newsboys (3rd ROW!!!) |
GOD'S NOT DEAD (Like A Lion)
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold to see a revolution somehow
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold to bring a revolution somehow
Now I'm lost in Your freedom
And this world I'll overcome
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!
He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!
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| Michael Tait of the Newsboys |
Roaring - He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!
Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead I need resurrection somehow
Now I'm lost in Your freedom
And this world I'll overcome
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!
He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!
He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!
He's Roaring! He's roaring!
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| Awesome night of worship! |
Let heaven roar and fire fall
Come shake the ground with the sound of revival
Let heaven roar and fire fall
Come shake the ground with the sound of revival
Let heaven roar and fire fall
Come shake the ground with the sound of revival!!!
My God's not dead, He's surely alive!
He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
God's not dead, He's surely alive!
He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
God's not dead, He's surely alive!
He's living on the inside, roaring like a lion
GOD'S NOT DEAD, HE'S SURELY ALIVE!
HE'S LIVING ON THE INSIDE, ROARING LIKE A LION!
He's Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!
He's Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion!
And to that I say AMEN & good night!
~Jen
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