Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Overdue Update!!!

2 months.  Yea, I've been a bit negligent in updating this blog... my deepest apologies for that.  But you see, it's a good thing - I haven't updated bc I've been busy, with life.  Just plain old life.  Taking care of the girls, cleaning, laundry, cooking, preschool, etc.  The boring old daily rituals.  And as tiring as it can be, it's been oddly fabulous.  I do miss the time I had to read & write on my blog.  Geeze, I think this is the first time I;ve sat at my computer in almost 2 month!  I do everything on my phone or iPad (birthday gift, yay!) real quick.  I must admit, I did get in some fabulous books that were eye opening & encouraging.  My list of "to read" is still too long though!  Next on the list: "Hinds Feet on High Places" - thanks to the recommendation of Kayla's preschool teacher.

SO since it's been so long since I've posted, I'll try to bullet point all the "happenings" for ya:

- 4 Treatments DONE!  Today I took my last day of pills for the 4th round of chemo.  That's 4 infusions & 4 two week rounds of pills down!  Only 2 more infusions & 2 more two weeks of pills left!!!  So 7 weeks from today, Lord willing everything stays on track, I will be DONE.  D.O.N.E. with chemo!  I know I have lots of tests, scans, imaging, etc...over the next few years.  But again, Lord willing, I will be DONE with chemo!  And the next few years will bring more & more reasons to praise my God for the blessings He continues to pour over me!

- Side effects.  Stinky, but bearable.  The insane sensitivity to cold is still insane after every infusion.  It lasts about a week & then starts to fade somewhat.  2 or so weeks after an infusion, I can actually touch something from the refrigerator & the pain doesn't set in for a minute or two.  And I can actually drink "cool" drinks, like maybe even a few ice cubes in my iced tea!  This is all right about the time I'm due for another infusion, so the pleasure of a somewhat cool drink is short lived.  My skin is getting more & more dry though... stupid pills.  I ordered a TON of this fabulous hand cream though!  Don't laugh.  It was at the suggestion of my nurses.  And it WORKS!  It's called Udderly Smooth.  Yup - you guessed it - it was originally created for cows udders.  You can stop laughing now, really.  Hey, I don't care who or what it was made for originally - as long as it helps my skin not feel like I've been rubbing sandpaper, I'm cool with it!  My mom also bought me a paraffin bath.  What a fabulous thing that is!  It is a nightly ritual for me now.  LOVE it!  Especially the week after my treatment when the slightest bit of cold causes immense pain & muscle spasms, the warm wax on my hands is 15-20 minutes of BLISS!  From the pills, I have light brown spots popping up on my hands (palms!), feet & nose even.  I've always had a lot of freckles, but these are new!  Not sure if they are permanent or not.. oh well!  At least they blend in with the rest!  I do get extremely tired 3-4 days after the infusion.  Like sleep 12 hours AND need a long nap kind of tired.  I get a steroid as one of my premeds, so that gives me a super high for 2-3 days (multiple cups of coffee type high) & I barely sleep.  So when that fades, I CRASH!  A few days of that, and I start to get my normal energy back again.  All of these are really annoying.  BUT I haven't been sick - I've been eating like a mad woman actually!  Up 12 pounds since Feb 27th!!!  Woohoo! 20ish more is my goal!  Who has a weight GAIN goal of 20 lbs?  ME!  That's who!  =)  And I LOVE FOOD!!!  I am officially a foodie.  Can't help it.  Food is wonderful.  And to top it off (really bad pun intended) I still have my hair!!!!!!!!!  Wow.  Just wow.  I am SO blessed!  I am so thankful.  So thankful... Mandisa has a song called "These Days" that is just so true for me.

I never liked Mondays, or bad news, or breakin' in new shoes, and mornings when I can't find my phone
Nobody likes traffic, or short nights, or situps or long flights, but sometimes that's just the way it goes
It's funny what You use to help me grow

So I'll learn to love these days, life along the way
In the middle of the crazy, God your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs, You're the only hope I've found

Lord you meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days
I'll learn to love these days

I can see a silver lining When the sun's not shinin, even when You choose to bring the rain
Oh, but there's freedom believin, and trustin Your leadin'
'Cause You're Lord of all my joy and all my painSo I'll learn to love these days, life along the way
In the middle of the crazy, God your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs, You're the only hope I've found

Lord you meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days
I'll learn to love these days

I could waste the hundred years You gave me here,

The days when You were near, the days when I was out there lookin for what comes next
Oh, cause every minute, every hour, everyday is such a gift and I'm content

I'm thankful for each breath!

So I'll learn to love these days, life along the way
In the middle of the crazy Your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs You're the only hope I've found

Lord you meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days
I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days

- A weekend to remember.  No, I'm not talking about the marriage conference.  I'm talking about a special weekend I will forever remember.  March 16-18.  It started with the 50th Anniversary Worship Night at church.  What a powerful & encouraging night!  The following night I was blessed to have enough energy to hit up the Third Day concert (2nd row!!!).  I was expecting to cry.  A lot.  And I didn't.  What I thought might be two nights of deeply moving worship, were actually powerfully encouraging.  Then there was a special vision service at church on Sunday.  Over those 3 days God really impressed on me one message over & over.  It wasn't the "I'm here for you through this horrible thing" emotion.  It was "I am doing a great & mighty work in you & through you.  You will get through this.  Be strong bc of MY strength."  Something my pastor (Lon Solomon) said in a video montage shown over the anniversary weekend stuck out as the over arching theme:  "What is God doing in you life that only HE can do, so that when He does it, He gets all the glory?"  That was impressed on my heart over those 3 days in so many ways.  The worship songs chosen, the set list for Third Day (that was oddly not their most popular or most common songs to perform, but rather off the main path & very poignant for me), the message from Lon...so much.  And that message of strength & encouragement continued to be poured over me during the Easter weekend, when I saw "The Thorn" at Church of the Redeemer, Easter services at church, and a very special day...

- April 15th.  As I picked up Kayla from Sunday School, someone from my Family Matter class stopped to catch up.  Our conversation was interrupted by Kayla announcing to me "I have Jesus in my heart!"  What WHAT!?!  So I stepped aside & talked to Kayla about it.  Sure enough, she was proud as a peacock to tell me she had asked Jesus to come live in her heart & be her "forever friend" in Sunday School!  A moment I have been praying for since I knew I was pregnant with her.  Before I ever knew if she was a boy or girl (we chose to wait until she was born) I prayed for her to one day accept Christ & grow in the Lord!  That day came & I am still so proud of her!  Now I pray for her to continue to grow in Christ as she grows up... and I pray the same for Leah every night.  Every night...

- Then that night I was blessed again with front row seats to see Mandisa with Anita Renfroe (funny girl!) and Laura Story.  So glad a friend of mine from MOPS was able to join me!  What a night of blessing, prayer, rejoicing, dancing (yes, Mandisa made us dance & I actually had enough energy to do it!), crying, rejoicing, etc... It was "Girls Night Out" so the place was packed with hundreds of women, worshiping God together!  So many of her songs have touched my heart these last few months.  So many... "Waiting For Tomorrow" is so perfect, and I mean "Stronger" is like my own personal theme song!  Who needs the theme to Rocky when I've got "Stronger"!?   Again, the Lord just impressed on me that He is going to make me stronger when I get THROUGH this!

My little Pinkalicious!

- Back to Kayla:  she just turned 4 this week, on May 6!  Um, when did that happen!?  Wasn't she just tucked away in my big belly!?  Now she's having a Pinkalicious cupcake party with her friends from preschool!  (Pinkalicious is so cute btw, look her up)  I mean, she actually looks a little bit like Pinkalicious... I just can't believe she's 4!!!  So to be able to have a party for her, be there, enjoy it, celebrate it, eat cupcakes with her, not be sick, not feel tired, not be in pain....it was all just so wonderfully normal.  I forgot what normal was for so long there, having had cramps, pain & so much sickness before surgery... To celebrate her birthday was a true blessing.  And i get to celebrate Leah's 2nd birthday June 2nd!!!  A special birthday that will be - you see, it was right after she was born that I started getting really sick.  So now 2 years later, to feel "normal" again is almost too amazing to think about...

- My birthday.  March 27.  Remember that whole 3/27 thing with the lymph nodes.  Yea, hard to forget that when it's YOUR BIRTHDAY!  So needless to say that every birthday will be a HUGE celebration for so many, many reasons... How old am I?  Most women avoid that answer.  But every year I am here to celebrate another year, I will proudly boast my age!!!  This year, I celebrated the big 29.  So no, I not celebrating "29" but actually 29.  And I will be very humbled & excited next year to celebrate 30!  I pray I am so fortunate as to celebrate 80 & then some like my super awesome Pop-Pop!

- There's been so much more, I could go on... something that has touched me though is recently finding out someone I have been praying for almost 2 years has accepted Christ.  And now I am able to celebrate this person as a brother/sister in Christ!!!  The angels rejoice when one is added to the Kingdom.  And seeing 2 people (my sweet Kayla!) and this person come to know Him this month has been truly a blessing to witness.  I pray for them both bc the narrow path is not always an easy one to walk.  In fact, it's harder most of the time.  But it is one that leads to life everlasting!  And one that He is with you on every step of the way.  (You know who you are & if you are reading this, this song is for you: "Say Goodbye" by Mandisa.  Remember you are a new creation!)

 "I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:9-10

 

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” 

Romans 8:1-2

So that's the short (long here, but actually the short version) of everything that's been going on around here...You know there's always more than I can fit in a blog.  But that's my heart - take it for what it is.  No it's not absolutely everything.  But for those who say "she's a hypocrite" or "what a fake" bc they think they know something else I may not share here, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that judging me is so important to you.  I'm sorry that you have chosen to focus on what you think you know rather than rejoice in His blessings & possibly see what God is doing in your own life through your own blessings & struggles.  My struggles are just that - mine.  I've only chosen to open up here about this cancer bc I think God is really doing something amazing in my life through it.  I believe He is working on a much bigger picture I may never see.  I believe He will speak through me in ways I can't fathom.  I believe if I allow Him to use me, He will.  I believe I will come THROUGH this a different person with a different focus.  I believe God is working on my heart to make me a better woman, a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better Christian - who knows, maybe even a better volleyball official or better scrapbooker or bow maker or who knows what!?  ONLY CHRIST DOES!  I will screw up along the way - it's part of that whole being human thing.  And that's the neat part of Christ's whole forgiveness thing.  He knows my heart.  And He loves me.  He loves me more than I can ever begin to grasp.  (Insert Mandisa's "How Much" lyrics here)  And for the first time in my entire life, I only care what HE thinks about it or me.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF ME!  Phfew - that felt good!  I will live my life the best way I can, with His strength & guidance.  If you want to judge me for it, go right ahead.  But I'll leave you with these lyrics that touched me today thinking about my friend & my daughter accepting Christ - they get to claim this now, praise the Lord. 

Mandisa: "Not Guilty"

I stand accused, there's a list a mile long
Of all my sins, of everything that I've done wrong
I'm so ashamed, there's nowhere left for me to hide
This is the day, I must answer for my life
My fate is in the Judge's hands,
But then He turns to me and says
 

I know you, I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict, not guilty

How can it be, I cannot begin to comprehend
What kind of Grace would take the place for all my sins?
I stand in awe, now that I have been set free
And the tears well up, as I look at that Cross
'Cause it should've been me
My fate was in the nail scarred hands,
He stretched them out for me and said...

I know you, I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict, not guilty

I'm falling on my knees to thank You
With everything I am, I praise You
So grateful for the words I heard you say

I know you, I love you
I gave My life...

I know you, I love you
I gave My life, just to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict is, not guilty
Love paid the price, for Mercy My verdict, not guilty ... NOT GUILTY