I don't blog much anymore, mainly bc I'm never on my computer. 95% of what I do on a computer is done on my phone or ipad. And bc I am no pro blogger, I find blogging on my ipad difficult. But I had to tonight. So here I am, in bed, on my ipad. Eating tortilla chips & chocolate covered pretzels I snagged at WF today (never go before dinner...).
I'm overwhelmed honestly. It's Easter week. So part of me doesn't even have the desire to celebrate my birthday bc I really want to stay focused on everything this week brings. I'm trying so hard to teach my girls something every day about Easter. Today we started "egging" people's houses in our neighborhood. No, not that. We sneak into their front yard (as much as a 5'11" mom with a 2 1/2 & 4 1/2 yard old, with a large German Shepherd puppy who barks at EVERYTHING can sneak...), hide 11 eggs filled with candy & 1 empty egg, stick a cut out egg with a note on their door (You've been egged...enjoy the hunt...empty egg represents the empty tomb...He is risen!) & "run away". We hit 4 houses today. I'm hoping to do 3-4/day all week. We'll make white chocolate pretzel crosses, an empty tomb cake, jelly bean prayer gifts, a pseudo Passover meal, etc. I feel very convicted to put forth a lot of effort to focus my girls on this & "go big". I mean, we go big at Christmas...why not Easter? Isn't it even more important than celebrating the birth of our Savior, to celebrate His death & resurrection!?!?! W/o the empty tomb, we would worship in vain like every religion out there...worshiping a dead leader, a false prophet, an idol. But we, instead, worship a RISEN Lord! A living Savior! Kind of a big deal. And one I hope to impress on my girls.
I'm overwhelmed bc Its my birthday. One bc Im turning 30! Ack and yay! I'm old, yet glad to be celebrating at all! And two bc 3-27 is kinda a big number of me...like my path results last year after surgey. 3 out of 27 lymph nodes... still don't know what God was doing there, something, obviously, and if I don't get it in this life, I sure plan on asking Him in the next (which will be in a really long time! Claiming life there...)
I'm overwhelmed bc life is busy & hectic & hard. Kids are hard. Marriage is hard. Dogs are hard. Altogether at once is REALLY hard! Yea, I said dog. The clean freak, neat freak has a dog. A 5 month old German Shepherd puppy named Koda, to be exact. This was not my doing. Nor me finally giving in. No, this was dropped on me like bird on the boardwalk who poops on you bc he you wouldn't let it have your funnel cake. I'm trying to make the best of it - training him, taking care of him, and lots of cleaning up after him (finally house trained, yay! Now to train the fur...). My dyson animal grooming kit is my next purchase. I'd really like an actual Dyson Animal (the cordless one to be specific), but all in good time. My little Dyson ball shall do. For now. I love him, I do. I, however, DESPISE the work of endless vacuuming, mopping, air freshening, air cleaning, paw wiping, fur brushing, Little People out of mouth prying, WORK that comes with him. Did I mention Leah is currently potty taining too??? "Mommy, I'm peeing!"
I'm overwhelmed by the fact that my little baby girl Kayla just did her Kindergarten testing for next year!!!!! WHAT!?!?! 'Nuf said - moms get it.
And today, more than any other day, and only after having my girls, do I feel a sense of _______. I don't have a word for it. It's not longing, or missing, or wondering, like I'm not complete. Far from that. I know who I am & my identity. It's that sense every mother feels on her kids birthday. Some moms feel that excitement of remembering the birth of their child. (Some don't wish to, or don't for all those darn meds & pain!). And some moms remember the smell of that child's hair the first time they held them after, after being handed their baby by not a nurse, but a child are worker. Some moms remember their lonely ride to the courthouse or adoption placement center & their possibly immediate drive back with a screaming baby! At least the hospital gives you minimum 24 "adjustment" period with this new screaming bundle of confusion... Sheesh! See, I'm adopted. (Mom stop reading, or grab some tissues - you cry too easily). It's pretty neat - I was 3 months old. So my folks are my folks. I can blame them for everything, except my looks! Darn that - I have a bone to pick about this whole bumpy, dry skin on my arms.... So I don't struggle with that, as I painfully recognize some people do. There's never been that desire, longing, wondering, past a stray "I wonder where I got my.....oh I love this song!!! When are they coming in concert!?!?!" Yup. That's the depth of it, right there. That's me knowing my identity + me having a tiny touch of ADD (hey, who doesn't) + my absolute passion for Christian music! I love my parents! They rock. Always have (exact that one time....jk!). They love me. Always have. Being adopted hasn't been a big deal. The only major impact it's had on my life is the ability to understand God's sincere love for us & how the Bible talks about being "grafted in" as one of His (Romans 11), being "co-heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17), being chosen by our Creator to be one of His children (Ephesians 1:11). It was nothing we did but what He did for us! (I Corinthians 15:3-4, Romans 5:8, Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Acts 16:31 - I really do know my Awana Gospel Wheel verses!) I couldn't do squat as a 3 month old. But my parents did. They chose me, my baby fat, bald head & all!). So I have an understanding of those concepts bc of my identity, not in spite of it. Parents are those that put all of themselves into you, do whatever it takes for you, expect nothing in return, get spit on, stepped on, cried at & on, screamed at, kicked, ignored, etc all bc they love you. Anyone can be a birth parent. It takes something special to be a mom or a dad. And if I can do half as good of a job as they did, I'll have 2 amazing, godly women to show for it. Not that I'm amazing or godly (that came out wrong) but that I was given all the tools by my parents to become what they prayed I would. (Insert analogy here...I tried to think of one, but it's too late for a good one to pop out of my mush for brains...). They gave me all the tools I need. And I pray I can equip my girls - that they develop a love for The Lord, a passion for His Word, a heart for His people & a confidence in Him that cannot be shaken. (A cache of musical talents, love for Christian worship music, stellar volleyball skills & many grand babies would be a nice bonus). So back to my thought. Somewhere, a 49 year old woman is remembering her labor & delivery 30 years ago. But no ability to call the child she gave up. I don't feel bad for her though - she made a choice I am very grateful for! A selfless choice. A good choice. But a choice. It was not done to her, but by her. (I sound bad, I know, but bear with me) I do pray God has given her a sense of peace that He has taken care of everything & blessed that choice. It was a choice that carried ramifications, one of which was living with an memory unable to be enjoyed with that person. Now don't red me wrong, I'm not angry - far from it! The only (bad) analogy I can place is like when Kayla cries after Leah bit her. I'm sorry the bite hurts, but I don't feel bad - you hit her in the head, what did you expect?!? (Again, too late for deep or even remotely good analogies). My parents made a choice. Their "ramifications" of not choosing a different route, is to raise a child society would say was "not theirs", knowing full well that child might agree with society one day... (Aren't you glad I don't?). So I do wonder what my birth mom is thinking right now, or even my biological father... And yes, I would like to meet them both. And yes, I have taken steps to do so. Been a year in process. Having 2 babies (one of which looks nothing like me or my husband - little blonde, Leah), cancer at 28 & turning 30 kinda spurred that. It needs to happen. For everyone, not just me. So I'm praying it does, if that is His will. If not, it's not. No major life crisis about it. But it's still another thing bouncing around in my head.
I'm overwhelmed. Physically I've been doing very well. Check ups good. Blood tests clean. Follow up scopes to be scheduled. Only tweak is my ultra sensitivity to everything - oncoming colds, oncoming headaches, oncoming cycles, shorter temper, anxiety, etc. I feel it all like an animal feels a major storm days prior. Its weird. I've heard chemo can throw you into early menopause. Oh dear Jesus be with my family if that be true! Lol! Moving on...
I'm overwhelmed with a tough marriage. Having life folks experience over 20-30 years thrown at you in 7 can be a tad straining on any marriage. (Seriously, met in 2005, married in 2006, bought house in 2007, Kayla born 2008, year off, Leah in 2010, sick 2010-11, cancer found start of 2012, puppy in 2013! Pfhew!) We're stuck with each other though. We committed. I do love him, even when I don't want to. Im praying through it. I will admit, my knees are getting sore. (All those calluses from never wearing knee pads for volleyball do help though) I don't talk about that here. I don't plan it. Just know I have never claimed to be perfect, have a perfect marriage or family or anything. I claim to be a sinner forgiven by grace through faith. And I pray to add more to my testimony as God "continues His good work in me" (Philippians 1:6). Moving on.
So forgive me for not blogging, once again, for those who have asked me about it. And forgive me for blathering on about lots of stuff. I'd post pictures, but I don't know how from my ipad.
So I head to sleep knowing my girls are tucked in, my husband is home safe, my puppy is snoring downstairs, my parents are reminiscing of when I was a little girl, my birth parents are probably sad they aren't, my banana bread fell in the middle, my dear friend Vicky's birthday was today & I didn't call her (I'm a bad friend...), my eggs are set for the next few houses tomorrow, Sams club had my sought after jelly beans, I will have to rewash that load of jeans I forgot to hang up, those chocolate covered pretzels hit the spot and above all, my Savior died for me on that cross & then He rose, conquering death.
G'night.
